Tuesday, 3 February 2009

The Skate 2 Trash Talkin' Throwdown: It's Awwwwn!

Ah, silly silly little faux-tot. Macho Man Randy Savage? You're not even Koko B. Ware

When I first threw down this little challenge to you, I never expected you to actually go through with it. I mean, look at you! Your trick-stick hand is horribly misshapen through years of porn abuse - abuse which you present as a badge of pride. You're like a puppy that has had their nose rubbed in their own shit, and is now bounding around the carpet nuzzling against the pristine white leather furniture.

What is more, your use of skating vernacular leaves a lot to be desired. I would never call my pearly whites my grill, and the only way you’ll be coming at me from all directions is as you stand in one spot and I pull off yet another perfect 360.

Let’s face it, your New Era cap-covered brain is overheating from all of the mental dexterity even your simple insults have generated. Meanwhile, the only heat my verbose and pithy repostes create is in the chests of well-endowed women. They do not call me the wordsmith extraordinaire for nothing! I’ve written for the Western Mail you know!

But very well, I will humour you and accept your challenge. I’m guessing you mean a footplant / beanplant – heavy video rather than a video depicting skater death. I cannot wait to see the faces of your former friends as they mock and chide you in the streets, as I drive by in my fancy new convertible bought from my winnings, cape blowing in the breeze, monocle protecting me from particularly watery eyes…


Now I consider myself to be a fairly casual individual, not one to often be associated with such trash-talk and related throwdowns. But you, sir, have shaken me. It is not so much the content of your verbal attack, but it's mere existence.

It is clear that you live in a land of pure fantasy, which is fitting given that you are indeed some sort of writer. I imagine that in your head you are quite 'the man' and the idea of you somehow besting me is in no way fantastical, but simply the truth. Maybe all that time you spend on 'Home' has dulled your sense of competition and you've become both soft and delusional. A sort of Frank Spencer type, a clueless powder-puff.

Have no fear, I will soon shake you back into consciousness with a display of awesome that is so awesome, that not even putting AWESOME in caps could do it justice. Do you know why they put footplants in Skate 2? It's because I figured out how do do them in the first game. Everyone petitioned for their inclusion in the sequel, just to take me down a peg. Despite the ease with which I can pull them off nowadays, I'll still take great pride in dropping one just to belittle you.

The Faux Bot

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