Thursday, 28 May 2009

E3 Rumour Report: seXBOXchange

An undisclosed member of Microsoft's XBOX community team has leaked a fragment of The 'Soft's upcoming E3 press release. The statement reads:

"this coming winter, XBOX users will be able to experience a whole new level of user integration. First, we allowed them to express themselves through their gamerpics and mottos. Then, we upped the ante with profiles and user info. Last year, we brought you the ever-popular Avatars and asked you to marvel at their originality and ability to truly enhance gaming experiences. We now feel that the time is right to go to the next level by allowing our users to truly tailor their experience by changing the sex of their machines."

Picture included with release

To be honest, I never really questioned the sex of my console before, but Microsoft have done it again, because now that I think about it, my XBOX is like a shoddery old crone ready to crumple at any time! I can't wait for this new update so I can change it to a burly lumberjack-type that never fails!

Microsoft promises that this new level of user-generated experience will revolutionise the way in which we think about our consoles. Other rumours suggest that your console's gender and sexual preferences will affect the way in which it interacts with other machines online. Your console will form relationships without your input and arrange dates and games behind your back. They have yet to state whether or not homosexual console relations will be supported.

Keep watch for more E3 predictions!

The Faux Bot

Hype Pipe: The Saboteur

Let’s get one thing straight - everyone loves Nazis, just look at Schindler’s List, Saving Private Ryan, and The Boys from Brazil - it’s also no coincidence that the only Indiana Jones movies worth watching are the ones with Nazis in. But if there is one thing I love more than watching Nazis, its killing Nazis, which brings us onto the upcoming release from Pandemic Studios, The Saboteur.

The Saboteur is GTA style open world game, (yes! I know what you’re thinking “not another one” but please stick with me it does get interesting) set in and around Nazi-occupied Paris. You play the part of Sean Devlin, an Irishman and former race car driver who has it all; money , fast cars, easy women, and a heavy Richmond Superkings habit. He doesn’t care about the war until the death of a loved one forces our rebel on a mission of revenge as well as liberating Paris with a little help from the resistance along the way.

So what sets it apart from every other GTA clone you ask??? Well what if I told you that the game starts out with the visuals set entirely in Black and White!!! I say entirely, there are the deep crimson reds of those iconic swastika flags and armbands on the enemies making sure you know who to take out, explosions and fire also bring colour to that oppressive visual style, think Sin City and you know exactly what I mean. Now this may sound like a gimmick to make it seem different from every other GTA clone out there but I assure you its not, it’s the main function and purpose of the game. As you progress through the game and complete numerous stealth, driving, and all out balls to wall the shooting missions you will start to liberate areas of Paris and when this happens colour sweeps in to all the textures immediately relieving that feeling of oppression, and you can walk streets safely knowing you won’t run into any goose-stepping Gestapo.

Another aspect of the game is that it doesn’t have to played at ground level, buildings, lampposts, iconic landmarks can all be escalated not so dissimilar from Assassins Creed, I’m going to guess not as fluid, you are a Irishman after all not a highly trained swan diving cloaked assassin but nevertheless a welcome mechanic which could work in the stealth missions as well as using viewpoints to spot the colourless areas in the city which need liberating. Also thrown into the mix is a melee combat system as well as a cover system, walk into any part of the environment and Sean takes cover ,to step out of cover just walk away, ill be interested to see how that works as so far I have only played games where cover has been assigned to a button, it sounds more fluid but I guess the proof will be in the pudding, which we will see come Q4 of this year.

I’m a big fan of Pandemic’s past work, Christ I’ll even defend Mercenaries 2, (it was flawed but a hell of a lot of destructive fun) but please share in my enthusiasm and check out the teaser below.


Tuesday, 26 May 2009


Everyone (myself included) is always saying how Japanese developers have well and truly blown it this generation. I believed this to be true until today. Whilst us westerners were developing Bioshock, Gears Of War, Fallout 3 and Littlebigplanet, the Japanese (as a collective) were hard at work on this slice of genius:

Bonus points if you can tell me what it's about.

The Faux Bot

Sunday, 24 May 2009

Dear Jessica Chobot...

I think this has gone on long enough, don't you? Really, this just isn't on. Where the hell do you get off being smoking hot and talking about games? I suppose you think you're 'all that' knowing that you fuel the sweaty-palmed wank-fantasies of a million repressed teenage xbox users as they blossom into sexual maturity. I bet you have a running total of the volume of semen spilled in your honour, all across the globe.

Well, I'm here to tell you, Jessica Chobot that I know exactly what you're up to- I know your game and I'm not playing. Being well-versed in game knowledge and having press photos of you taking a dump 'like a dude' does not impress me one bit. Frankly, you are a cocktease. How long will you keep this up? Surely it must be bothering you, too. Why don't you drop the charade, you must be exhausted. I know that when you are giving me tips on how to make a guy tap out in UFC, what you really want to do is come around my place with an equally smoking friend - probably Katy Perry, I'm sure you hang out - fill a paddling pool with baby oil and just get down to it. You know what? I am totally cool with that. You don't need to pretend any more.

And just what kind of name is 'Chobot' anyway? I bet it's not your real name, but your marketing guys thought it would be cool that you sounded like a videogame character. Well guess what: It worked. Just like the photo of you reading an Anime magazine on the crapper and that one with your hands down your trousers....'like a dude'. Bravo Team Chobot, you have successfully crafted a cockteasing powerhouse, the likes have which have not been seen since Konnie Huq.

So yeah, Jessica whateveryourrealnameis, fuck you.............................................................................. call me.

The Faux Bot

Thursday, 21 May 2009


It's finally here! Can you believe it? I certainly can't. There's going to be a slight development period here, not so much in content, but more in the distribution. You can follow the enclosure link and should be able to get the podcast as part of your feed if you're using RSS already. If not, you can download it from here or here. If it's all working, you should also be able to subscribe via iTunes by following this simple process: Open iTunes, click the 'Advanced' tab and select 'subscribe to podcast'. Then simply enter into the box. Piece of piss.

Please use the comments for feedback and suggestions. Tell us what you want to hear, or suggest better, easier distribution methods. But mainly please enjoy it, we had a blast recording it. In the future you can look forward to more features, more guests and less defamation.

Thanks for listening!

The Faux Bot

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

Before I go: Some procrastination

I haven't posted for a while, you may have noticed. I've been busying myself over at Folie A Deux with some comics. I suggest you go read them. By now you may be saying "you motherfucker! You conned me into reading your half-assed blog, cranked out some comics for another set of readers and then fucked off for a week!" In a sense you'd be correct, but in another sense you would also be a silly bugger. If you haven't figured it out by now, the reason I am just so shit at maintaining this thing is because I want you to really appreciate the good times, sort of how a misguided and cruel parent may view things.

I'll be back in a week, what will I be bringing back with me you ask.

1. The Split-Screen podcast.
2. THAT Street Fighter tournament (pads or no pads)
3. Split-Screen's very own comic book series. Don't believe me? Agent Bunny B. Lapin would insist otherwise:
See you in a bit.

The Faux Bot