Valve 'announces' Half-Life2:Episode 3 [EDIT: MAYBE]

Being the typical Valve fanboy that I am I applied my steam updates and noticed that Portal had been given a fair number of new sound files. Wondering what the hell they were I went to the steampowered forums to see what it was all about.


Some folks also curious about the new sound files played them and to their surprise through the terrible static they felt they could hear Barney and Dr. Kleiner! There was also a non-GlaDos computer voice.

In an even more sneaky turn of events Valve had embedded images in the audio containers. When unscrambled these images gave a telephone number. This, another turn of genius, turned out to not be any old switch board. It was a data line. Those that had the old BBS software of course dialled in.
What they got no doubt surprised them again.




It was a GlaDos login prompt!

Its clear, at least to me, that in the Half-Life canon the missing Aperture Science ship is the one that is home to the whole game of Portal. I hope, nay - pray, that Gordon Freeman gets hold of the portal modification for his gravgun. I would wet myself with glee.


I've been pretty excited for this game since I finished episode 2 all that time ago. I'm a pretty patient man and upon finding out that Valve delayed it further so that they could make the game accessible for the hearing imparied - through the storyline that Alyx Vance had a deaf lover so had to learn to sign - I had yet more patience. However, my hype gland is in trouble of causing a myocardial infarction [that's a heart attack for those who don't watch House (although they'd think it was lupus first), ER, etc.]. I want to spend some more quality time with the bearded wonder. I want to mourn the loss of the end of Episode 2, I want to feel the pain as Gordon. Nobody could do this but Valve.

I want all of this and I want it now.


Capcom - pay attention. THIS is how you should do hype. Not by announcing a game, having the 'secret character list' leaked, pretending they aren't actually in it, then showing us one/two chars per month. Screw you - the Steam community jumped on this and within half day cracked it - working together like this provides an added layer of excitement and fun that isn't making money, just creating more hype.

I <3 u Gabe, once again I tip my hat at thee. You are an inspiration to us all.



[EDIT]:

Valve have changed the ending for portal!!!!!!!!!

SPOILERS WARNING: If you've not completed it don't hit play.




Does this mean we are to be recycled into a companion cube? Does the companion cube live and is it what's dragging us away? The asset in the game's files is actually a radio but has the settings of being roughly person sized, could it be combine? Is Half-Life 2 Episode 3 actually also Portal II? So many questions. So much awesome.


[/EDIT]

Tim Schafer: We are not worthy of your radness

Look at him there. The man who brought us Grim Fandango, Day of The Tentacle, Full Throttle, Psychonauts and now Brutal Legend. His radness cannot be quantified.

I could perhaps write a biographical piece here, documenting Schafer's radness over his game development career. But right now, all I want to do is spill my metaphorical gamer-jizz all over your internets, because now that I've played Brutal Legend: I'm hyped.

If you need me to tell you that Brutal Legend is a metal fantasy hack n' slash featuring Jack Black, Rob Halford, Ozzy and Lemmy (amongst others) then I just did. You're welcome. Now despite the size of my nerd-boner, I'm not going to blow smoke up your collective arse: as far as gameplay is concerned, Brutal legend is a decidedly so-so affair. Slash, slash, block, dodge, roll, slash, slash slash, slash, guitar riff........wait......guitar riff!? That's not standard hack and slash attire Mr. Schafer! What on earth are you doing? I feel I can answer on his behalf and further my schizophrenic outbursts when I say "I just wanted to make a game that was rad." Well, sir, you seem to have succeeded.


You see, it's not the gameplay that we should be looking at. Whilst being very standard, it is quite playable and is presented with a love and affection for the subject matter not seen since Littlebigplanet. I know there are those of you who will take one look at the sub-par combat and turn thy noses upward. You can't be blamed, but ask yourself: what level of technical excellence are you holding out for? This game expresses more passion and creativity than any other game I've seen this year (perhaps with the exception of Scribblenauts). Sure I'd like groundbreaking gameplay too, but life's never perfect, is it?

HEAVY FUCKING METAL.

Seeing the light: Sequels R' Us

I fully admit that on times I can be very tough to impress. As a human I endeavour to be the eternal optimist. This doesn't always work, but I try and that's the important bit. As a gamer, however, my personality is altogether far more stubborn and critical. I ceaselessly crave new ideas and constantly refer to past glories (see Jet Set Radio) as being the pinnacles of gaming invention that have yet to be topped. Naturally, with me being the miserable and overly critical nit-picking bastard of a gamer that I am, criticizing sequels is akin to shooting fish in a barrel. And in case you were wondering, the answer is 'Yes'. I thought that Shooting Fish in a Barrel 2 was a load of shit, despite the fact that it had G-Con support and online co-op.

So, with another exhaustingly long and convoluted introduction out of the way, I'll get to making my point. Usually, I frown at sequels, but this year promises some incredible treats, the kind that bypass my usual cynicism and instead see me revert to the mentality of a frothed-up ten year old at Christmas (for similar results see Me at Christmas). "What's in the sequel sack?" I hear you ask.

Skate 2!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fable 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Viva Pinata: Trouble in paradise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gears of War 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, Gears and Fable are going to be the unstoppable behemoths that we all expect them to be and no excitement will be required on our parts because the sheer saturation of hype will work its way into us just like osmosis. It's rare that I give a shit about a sequel that isn't prefixed by the titles Shenmue, Jet Set Radio or Grand Theft Auto. Times they are a' changin'. We all gushed over how fantastic a year for gaming 2007 turned out to be, but with these treats on the horizon along with Mirrors Edge, Dead Space, Alone in The Dark, Castle Crashers and Littlebigplanet, to name but a few, 2008 is already shaping up to snatch that crown away in record time.

I'll refrain from saying I've got a semi.





But, I have got a semi.


The Faux Bot

Slamming up HYPE in yo' collective FACE!

Yes, you read that right. If you hadn't already heard, I'm around 70% ghetto, so unfortunately, this sort of thing tends to just slip out sometimes. But yes, I thought I'd treat you to a GTA IV hype round-up, but then I saw the light, realising that you have all probably already visited Gamesradar, Destructoid and IGN to see their hands-on multiplayer impressions, haven't you?

With that in mind, Let me direct your wanton hype-funnels in a less saturated direction. Firstly, some juicy, bite-sized morsels of info. have surfaced concerning the soon to be much-hyped Gears of War 2. Go read it here, then come back: http://www.gamesradar.com/xbox360/gears-of-war-2/news/gears-2-information-blowout-/a-20080408113242430015/g-2007031211164597054 sounds cool, right? Dynamic cover, Locust Shamans and a plethora of new, hyper-real comic book dropout characters that we all love to hate. What more do you want? A little depth maybe? Pfft.

Secondly, prise open your insatiable tube for the Castle Crashers Development Blog: http://devblog.thebehemoth.com/ Not that it ever looks like this game will actually ever come out, but we can always dream and continue to moisten ourselves in the meantime. I want this game more than any XBOX Live Arcade title ever, not just for the rough and tumble, deceptively simple, and wonderfully accessible gameplay, but because it reminds me of what it was like to play games as a child. Sitting with a friend to play Streets of Rage or Golden Axe, they were good times. Times filled with the kind of naive wonder that led to combining cola with orange juice and idolising your best friend's mother's absolutely fantastic corned beef sandwiches. To me, the development team over at The Behemoth seems to share that fondness for the past, and fully understand what made it so enjoyable.

Lastly, to wrap up, go drool here: http://fallout3.wordpress.com/2008/04/07/fallout-3-the-new-pictures-at-pcgamesde/. New Fallout 3 screenshots. Looks amazing. Can't Wait. Sleep now. Becoming increasingly aware that my words sound as if spoken by Rorschach. Legs tired. Go watch Young Ones in bed. Bye. Must get better lock on door. I like sugar cubes. Etc. Apologise for overwhelming amount of sexual imagery.

The Faux-Bot