Saturday, 30 January 2010

MSN's top 10 Boss Battles

Fair play to MSN, this list is actually quite good. They have the awesome Bowser fight from Mario 64 in there, along with my personal number one: Psycho Mantis from Metal Gear Solid. Kudos goes to the dashing and handsome Token Gestures for the link, which is here - click

Thursday, 28 January 2010

Toy Time pt. 2

Yeah, that's right, therightbullets isn't the only toy nerd on staff, although he does retain the title of fully-blown Otaku collector - he's really made that his own. Whilst I try to save for the odd Kaiju when it comes to buying toys, there are certain game licences that could tip me over. For instance, if they actually produced some decent Street Fighter figures, I'd be right in there - i.e. my rad Zangief Revoltech (cheers prof!). Today, however, I stumbled upon a few that may pull me in, price permitting.

I refuse to accept that I am the only one to have sexual fantasies about Bayonetta. Look at her: she's constantly sucking a lollipop, wears heels, glasses and a latex catsuit. She has wonderfully realised T&A too, which helps. My favourite Bayonetta fantasy is where I am one of the giant angel bosses and the only way I can be defeated is by her using her arms and legs to jack off my enormous angel-dick. Due to the scale and posability of this awesomely-detailed Bayonetta figure, I can now make dreams come true.

As well as being jacked off by Bayonetta, I also spend a hefty portion of my time dreaming about the future - a future in which robot suits are standard issue and we all have one, only mine is the raddest because I put cool stickers on it like Kaneda's bike in Akira. Lost Planet has robot suits in abundunce, which largely contributes to my enjoyment of the game. Lost Planet Vital Suits rendered as action figures? Fuck YEAH! Count me in.

Fourth title from Platinum Games to be announced, maybe some point today

 The latest Gametrailers TV episode that airs in America, 12pm their time, will feature the exclusive reveal of Platinum Games' elusive fourth title. Platinum stated that they would be producing 4 titles with Sega: Bayonetta, MadWorld, Infinite Space and one more unannounced title top be headed by Resident Evil creator, Shinji Mikami. This could potentially be fucking huge. And since I've now done a total U-turn on how I feel about Bayonetta, my excitement is at an all-time high.

I don't know what time we'll be able to watch that episode, I never follow Gametrailers - a massive oversight on my part, I know- so if anyone knows when I'll be able to find out, please let me know in the comments. For now, keep watch, ready for me to go ape-shit excieted or mad depending on what they announce.

Split-Screen: Bringing you erratic U-turns and unfounded excitement since 2007.

Tuesday, 26 January 2010

Toy Time

I haven't posted many toys recently, not because there aren't any around but because I'm trying really hard not to bankrupt myself by browsing toy sites daily. This is of course difficult but restraint can be learned^^. Here are two that caught my eye recently.

Lightening Blanka- A one off prototype from SOTA Toys being auctioned on eBay February 1st, with all proceeds going to the relief effort in Haiti. This will undoubtedly go for a small fortune for several reasons: it's for charity, it's a one off, SF fans are crazy and last but not least its just as awesome as the full colour statue in the same pose.

Also on the radar recently is this sweet figure of Ayane from Dead or Alive 4 by Kotobukiya. Pre-order from Play-Asia if so inclined. Personally I really like the almost translucent effect on the hair but I'm not 100% percent sure on the eye detail- is it just me or do they look a little dull?

Again with the bumming

By now you may have gathered that, in Freudian terms, I remain firmly fixed within the 'anal stage': I have an ongoining fascination with all things involving and relating to poo, pooing and bums. Naturally, the act of bumming is about as funny as it gets for me.

Sankaku Complex turn up all manner of Japanese filth, so it comes as no surprise that it was there I found this delightful 'Yaoi' (Gay) Manga porn depicting the ongoing console wars. Each console is represented by a different chap, with Mr. PS3 appropriately bumming Mr. Xbox whilst young Mr. Wii watches on expectantly. Click for more.......if you dare. (ALL the cocks are blacked-out)

Friday, 22 January 2010

As Promised.....

Captain Falcon bumming the shit out of Solid Snake

Now taking requests. Put them in the comments.

Thursday, 21 January 2010

Token Gestures' end of year/new year picks

Well it has been a while since I did anything of worth, but I’m somehow in the mood to help out. Call it the season of good will or something. So here is my season in review, by season read 2009. Here are the five games that seemed to have attracted me the most in the past twelve months. Granted some of them may be a little off but I speak as I find, so here goes:

1.    NHL 10: This franchise just gets better and better, and this years’ instalment is no different. A beautifully made game that plays as true to the sport as any game I have seen. Each year they add new features and tweaks that keep this far and away above the other EA Sports titles. Yes there are a few issues like the twats that exploit glitches online but I’m yet to see any game sort that out so it really isn’t a knock on this one in particular, the franchise mode also needs a little work to get it more involving but these are small criticisms on a great sports game, sure to keep you playing after the season is over.

2. Resident Evil 5: I’m a sucker for this franchise too, yes the game wasn’t exactly reflective of the previous titles puzzle solving brain melters(tm) but it was a well made, beautiful game that seemed to fall short in a lot of people’s eyes. I however loved it, and spent a very long time in front of it battling Las Plagas in a battle to stop the evil Wesker. Gameplay was good and the continued use of the Resident Evil 4 over the shoulder camera angle was far easier on gameplay than the older, yet more terrifyingly set camera positions. The story continued well and did what it needed to, bringing back our original Chris Redfield, although he did look a bit too much of a tank in it. All we need now is for Resident Evil 6 to have Barry in it and I’m in zombie heaven.

3. Fallout 3-The Pitt: Okay it’s not a “real” game but this DLC was fantastic, once they sorted out the bug that plagued it on release. Not a lot needs to be said about this as it is Fallout and we all know how amazing a piece of art this was. Post-apocalyptia is here to stay, just ask Viggo Mortensen. Anyway I digress, this add-on encapsulated what the original game was all about, shades of grey never seemed so interesting, and those creepy trogs were great. All in all the best add-on they released for Fallout.

4. Modern Warfare 2: So I haven’t touched the single player and the sniper rifles are still infuriating in the multiplayer but it is MW2. The game you can lose your life to by just replying the same 10-12 maps. The “I don’t care if you keep sniping me I’ll get you and fuck you up eventually” mindset has never been stronger. These may all seem like negatives, and to an extent they are, but that one kill is worth it. Very much like the game of golf, you live for that perfect shot.

5. Football Manager 2010/ Out of the Park Baseball 10: I know what you’re thinking but I enjoy Excel spreadsheets as much as the next man, and spreadsheets don’t come more compelling than the Football Manager series. If all spreadsheets interested you so much maybe the bankers wouldn’t have dropped the ball on the economy, but they can go back home knowing that their beloved Walsall will be as they left them. Out of the Park Baseball uses the same engine and style but, believe it or not revolves around baseball. Both games have taken up a large chunk of my life and time this year, and as I write this my Leeds United team are playing in the background against the mighty Notts County. A must own for any number fanatic.

I’m not saying 2009 was a great year for games but I managed to get by on what I had to work with. I’m just hoping 2010 will keep me from having to resort to exercise like 2009 did. So here is a quick preview of my 2010 hit list:

1. Mass Effect 2: I’m ploughing through Mass Effect in an attempt to a) complete the game finally and b) remember what the hell was going on. Using the saves from the first game intrigues me and presses me on to finish it. I just hope all the buildings and planets are not all identical aside from different colours this time round. First game on my shopping list for this year.

2. Fallout: New Vegas: It’s Fallout, enough said...Right Viggo?

3. Resident Evil 5 DLC: We get two new instalments to the game this year, and in my opinion the first is what should have been released instead of that hideous multiplayer monstrosity that they did release. It’s set around the back story of Chris and Jill searching for Ozwell E. Spencer, the other follows the other duo after you split from them. I’ve kept that vague in case anyone wants to play through it without the really crap surprise being ruined.

4. Final Fantasy XIII: It’s a FF game and you know what it will entail, albeit with a different combat system apparently, but it is still pretty much a must buy. Time will tell whether they should have kept it turn based.

5.  Heavy Rain: I’m a firm believer in some of your dreams being unattainable, and this game marks one of those. Pretty much the only reason I would buy a PS3, but it won’t happen, I’m far too stubborn.

I wanted to put Kane and Lynch in here but we all know we will be lucky to see it before the next summer Olympics. Well my Leeds United just won 2-0 so I’m off to bullock them for not scoring more. I’m far better at this than Rafa Benitez.


The Split-Screen Podcast: Episode 5

We thought it was episode 6. It clearly isn't. We're a little all over the shop right now so just bare with us and rest safe in the idea that the overwhelmingly poor show displayed here will only inspire us to do better next time. Thanks for listening.

Download link: MEGAUPLOAD

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

More sexy Bayonetta climaxing action

Today NaFunk asked me what did he have to do to get on my blog. I skipped the usual homoerotic sexual favour options and after a millisecond of deliberation I came out with: "Dress up as Bayonetta". I donated a pound for some black bin bags and told him it would "be the best thing - ever". After a little bit of persuasion, and hollow promises of Internet fame, he agreed. Here are the disturbing, yet strangely erotic results.

Special kudos goes to the elastic-banded heel guns. Genius.

If anyone of you can top this, I'll give you a prize. I swear.

The Best 200 Games of all Time.

apparantly anyway. this is game informers list and certainly not mine!

1. The Legend of Zelda (NES, 1987)
2. Super Mario Bros. (NES, 1985)
3. Tetris (PC, 1984)
4. Grand Theft Auto III (PS2, 2001)
5. Half-Life 2 (PC, 2004)
6. Doom (PC, 1993)
7. Metroid (NES, 1986)
8. Final Fantasy III (SNES, 1994)
9. Super Mario Bros. 3 (NES, 1990)
10. Ms. Pac-Man (Coin-op, 1981)
11. World of Warcraft (PC, 2004)
12. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (SNES, 1992)
13. Super Mario 64 (N64, 1996)
14. Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare (PS3/360/PC, 2007)
15. Final Fantasy VII (PS, 1997)
16. Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! (NES, 1987)
17. Chrono Trigger (SNES, 1995)
18. Resident Evil 4 (GameCube, 2005)
19. Metal Gear Solid (PS, 1998)
20. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (N64, 1998)
21. Super Metroid (SNES, 1994)
22. Contra (NES, 1988)
23. Galaga (Coin-op, 1981)
24. Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (PS, 1997)
25. Street Fighter II (Coin-op, 1991)
26. God of War (PS2, 2005)
27. BioShock (360/PC, 2007)
28. Diablo II (PC, 2000)
29. Half-Life (PC, 1998)
30. The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion (360/PC, 2006)
31. Tecmo Super Bowl (NES, 1991)
32. GoldenEye 007 (N64, 1997)
33. Super Mario Kart (SNES, 1992)
34. Sonic the Hedgehog (SEGA Genesis, 1991)
35. Starcraft (PC, 1998)
36. Civilization (PC, 1991)
37. SimCity (PC, 1989)
38. Mega Man 2 (NES, 1988)
39. Halo: Combat Evolved (Xbox, 2001)
40. Gran Turismo (PS, 1998)
41. Resident Evil 2 (PS, 1998)
42. Pokemon Red and Blue (GB, 1996)
43. Final Fantasy X (PS2, 2001)
44. EverQuest (PC, 1999)
45. Final Fantasy Tactics (PS, 1998)
46. Grand Theft Auto IV (PS3/360, 2008)
47. Super Mario World (SNES, 1991)
48. Deus Ex (PC, 2000)
49. Guitar Hero (PS2, 2005)
50. Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty (PS2, 2001)
51. Super Mario Galaxy (Wii, 2007)
52. Pac-Man (Coin-op, 1980)
53. Battlefield 2 (PC, 2005)
54. Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (Xbox, 2003)
55. Ico (PS2, 2001)
56. Uncharted 2: Among Thieves (PS3, 2009)
57. Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 (PS, 2000)
58. Mass Effect (360, 2007)
59. Adventure (2600, 1980)
60. Arkanoid (Coin-op, 1986)
61. The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening (GB, 1993)
62. Star Wars: X-Wing (PC, 1993)
63. The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask (N64, 2000)
64. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (PS2, 2004)
65. Fallout 3 (PS3/360/PC, 2008)
66. Zork (PC, 1980)
67. Soul Calibur (DC, 1999)
68. Double Dragon (Coin-op, 1987)
69. Dr. Mario (NES, 1990)
70. The Sims (PC, 2000)
71. Age of Empires (PC, 1997)
72. Mortal Kombat II (Coin-op, 1993)
73. Rock Band 2 (PS3/360, 2008)
74. Tomb Raider (PS, 1996)
75. Super Bomberman (SNES, 1993)
76. Mario’s Picross (GB, 1995)
77. Ninja Gaiden (NES, 1989)
78. Command & Conquer (PC, 1995)
79. Kingdom Hearts (PS2, 2002)
80. Final Fantasy II (SNES, 1991)
81. Super Mario Bros. 2 (NES, 1988)
82. Left 4 Dead (PC, 2008)
83. Okami (PS2, 2006)
84. Shadow of the Colossus (PS2, 2005)
85. Metroid Prime (GameCube, 2002)
86. Super Smash Bros. Melee (GameCube, 2001)
87. Warcraft II: Tides of Darkness (PC, 1995)
88. Baldur’s Gate II: Shadows of Amn (PC, 2000)
89. God of War II (PS2, 2007)
90. The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (Wii, 2006)
91. Ratchet & Clank: Up Your Arsenal (PS2, 2004)
92. Medal of Honor: Allied Assault (PC, 2002)
93. Skies of Arcadia (DC, 2000)
94. The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker (GameCube, 2003)
95. Silent Hill 2 (PS2, 2001)
96. Counter-Strike (PC, 1999)
97. Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (SEGA Genesis, 1992)
98. Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (PS3/360, 2009)
99. Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (PS2/Xbox/GameCube/PC, 2003)
100. Portal (PC/360, 2007)
101. The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind (PC, 2002)
102. Heroes of Might & Magic III (PC, 1999)
103. Donkey Kong (Coin-op, 1981)
104. Batman: Arkham Asylum (PS3/360, 2009)
105. System Shock 2 (PC, 1999)
106. Resident Evil (PS, 1996)
107. Gears of War (360, 2006)
108. Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots (PS3, 2008)
109. Crash Bandicoot: Warped (PS, 1998)
110. Halo 2 (Xbox, 2004)
111. Tetris Attack (SNES, 1996)
112. Final Fantasy XII (PS2, 2006)
113. Earthbound (SNES, 1995)
114. Sid Meier’s Alpha Centauri (PC, 1998)
115. Command & Conquer: Red alert (PC, 1996)
116. Advance Wars (GBA, 2001)
117. Fallout (PC, 1997)
118. Team Fortress 2 (PS3/360/PC, 2007)
119. Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory (Xbox, 2005)
120. Mega Man X (SNES, 1994)
121. Lemmings (PC, 1991)
122. Panzer Dragoon Saga (Saturn, 1998)
123. NHL ‘94 (SEGA Genesis/SNES, 1993)
124. Warlords (Coin-op, 1980)
125. Shadowrun (SNES, 1993)
126. Twisted Metal 2 (PS, 1996)
127. Oddworld: Abe’s Oddysee (PS, 1997)
128. Metroid Fusion (GBA, 2002)
129. Homeworld (PC, 1999)
130. Kingdom Hearts II (PS2, 2006)
131. Pilotwings (SNES, 1991)
132. Quake II (PC, 1997)
133. Star Wars Jedi Knight: Dark Forces II (PC, 1997)
134. Borderlands (PS3/360/PC, 2009)
135. Final Fight (Coin-op, 1989)
136. Star Fox (SNES, 1993)
137. Madden NFL ‘99 (PS/N64/PC, 1999)
138. Call of Duty 2 (360/PC, 2005)
139. Wolfenstein 3D (PC, 1992)
140. Diablo (PC, 1996)
141. Civilization IV (PC, 2005)
142. Maniac Mansion: Day of the Tentacle (PC, 1993)
143. Assassin’s Creed (PS3/360, 2007)
144. Burnout 3: Takedown (PS2/Xbox, 2004)
145. Unreal Tournament 2004 (PC, 2004)
146. Power Stone 2 (DC, 2000)
147. Super Castlevania IV (SNES, 1991)
148. Super Mario RPG (SNES, 1996)
149. Warcraft III: Reign of Chaos (PC, 2002)
150. ActRaiser (SNES, 1991)
151. Fable (Xbox, 2004)
152. Xenosaga Episode I: Der Wille zur Macht (PS2, 2003)
153. Asteroids (Coin-op, 1979)
154. LittleBigPlanet (PS3, 2008)
155. Crackdown (360, 2007)
156. Gauntlet (Coin-op, 1985)
157. Devil May Cry (PS2, 2001)
158. Pong (Coin-op, 1972)
159. Battlefield 1942 (PC, 2002)
160. Thief (PC, 1998)
161. Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved (360, 2005)
162. Far Cry (PC, 2004)
163. Robotron: 2084 (Coin-op, 1982)
164. X-COM: UFO Defense (PC, 1993)
165. Peggle (PC, 2007)
166. King’s Quest VI (PC, 1992)
167. Doom II (PC, 1994)
168. Tempest 2000 (Jaguar, 1994)
169. Braid (360, 2008)
170. Ridge Racer (PS, 1995)
171. Bully (PS2, 2006)
172. Ikaruga (GameCube, 2006)
173. Lode Runner (Apple II, 1983)
174. Gunstar Heroes (SEGA Genesis, 1993)
175. Dig Dug (Coin-op, 1982)
176. Castlevania (NES, 1988)
177. Tekken 3 (Coin-op, 1997)
178. Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney (DS, 2005)
179. NBA Jam: Tournament Edition (Coin-op, 1993)
180. Max Payne (PC, 2001)
181. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 (PS3/360/PC, 2009)
182. Samurai Shodown (Neo Geo, 1993)
183. NFL 2K5 (PS2/Xbox, 2004)
184. Vagrant Story (PS, 2000)
185. Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island (SNES, 1995)
186. Marble Madness (Coin-op, 1984)
187. Infamous (PS3, 2009)
188. Planescape: Torment (PC, 1999)
189. Kid Icarus (NES, 1986)
190. The Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay (Xbox, 2004)
191. Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater (PS2, 2004)
192. Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem (GameCube, 2002)
193. Jak 3 (PS2, 2004)
194. Marvel vs. Capcom 2 (DC, 2002)
195. Ultima (PC, 1981)
196. Call of Duty (PC, 2003)
197. NHL 09 (PS3/360, 2008)
198. Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow (Xbox, 2004)
199. Tactics Ogre (PS, 1997)
200. Beyond Good and Evil (PS2/Xbox/GameCube, 2003)

whats everyones thoughts? i've actually counted that i've played 85 of these in some shape or another. not a bad list, but i much preferred super mario world to the other mario games, it was and still is the pinnicle of 2d platforming!

Tuesday, 19 January 2010

Bayonetta infinity climaxing all over Jessica Chobot and Cammy White

If that were real, I could be held accountable for millions of jizz-encrusted keyboards all over the world. Sadly, for us all, the Bayonetta/Jessica Chobot/Cammy squirt bukkake will probably never come to light. Anyway, to business: It's come to my attention that we get a lot more visitors here than the followers suggests. This is good. Over 66% of those visitors were drawn here because of a post we did a while back concerning the ever-tempting Chobot. Another sizeable percentage were here because of some Cammy cosplay. In my never-ending quest to be an internet-whore, I can't afford to get all high-and-mighty and be thinking about things like integrity. I have to keep giving the people what they want, namely, filth. From here on in, I, The Faux Bot, pledge to you, my loyal readers to increase the percentage of filth posted on this here blog.

Let's get the ball rolling with a Bayonetta hentai gallery, courtesy of Sankaku Complex, and while your at it have this picture of Chobot dressed as a nurse. Pop it in your toss-bag.

Now, I'm not so chauvinistic as to forget about our female readership.I will just as happily concoct an image of Captain Falcon bumming the shit out of Solid Snake, if only you would ask. I promise that through the medium of MS Paint, I will make that happen for you.

Monday, 18 January 2010

Kotaku 0 - 1 Split Screen

Kotaku are having a photoshop contest prompted by the fact the Heavy Rain box art in the US is so, well, shit. I have it from a reliable source (Lenny) that they're just copying the 'Photoshop a box art' idea from us, because we are indeed very awesome. Anyway, I figured we had a few talented souls here with enough time to burn to try this, so good luck^^.

On a worrying side note- anyone else notice our abbreviated title is SS?

Sunday, 17 January 2010

technology eh?

For some reason, formspring posted a question I answered on here instead of my own personal blog, therefore, technology is a right pain in the arse. Take now for instance, this on my pc, is underlined, yet can I find out how to stop this occuring? No. I do believe old age is coming into effect.

So first of all, an apology to all for my lack of expertise in this field. It has however made me think a little. Technology is without a doubt the the reason we're all here now, reading blogs, playing videogames, watching tv etc etc. So what does everyone feel about how the gaming culture's future is looking?

Natal, the playstation 'wand', and the continued advancement of both the wii and ds will surely create some intriguing new ways of carrying out our beloved past-time? I will always remember seeing mario bros for the first time, and being hypnotised by the sprites and gameplay that was in front of me. I would never have imagined that 20 years later we'd be playing multiplayer games from our very own living rooms, waving our arms about and actually making mario move (my sister had a fantastic habit of waving her arms with a pad everytime she wanted mario to leap and she looked a dork then, which is why I was never worried about how I looked playing a wii!) or perhaps, as natal may be suggesting, actually being able to interact with games conversely.

So where may we be in another 20 or so years? Virtual reality makes a thrilling comeback and everyone has one in their house, immersed in some world while wearing some bizarre headset? Perhaps natal is the first step of what may become the infamous holo-deck featured in star trek? Its actually made me a little excited about games again, and for that, I am exceedingly grateful.

Lately, I've suffered a lull in my gaming, not playing as often as i may have 6 months ago, and not really being interested in trying anything new. I used to be able to play 5-6 hours solid on games likke gta or final fantasy 7, but now, I am bored within an hour of putting a disc in my machine. but I am geniunely intrigued with the new tech thats coming out, it may change the way we game forever.

For now however, its back to COD4.

again, sorry for the slightly random post, and feel free to comment. especially if its with some tips as to stop this underlined nonsense happening again!

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

GRIN were working on an updated Strider?

If it's true, then thank Christ that GRIN went under. That company produced some downright terrible games - Wanted: Weapons of Fate, Terminator Salvation and not forgetting how they ruined Bionic Commando. Thinking about what they did to Bionic Commando, I breathe a huge sigh of relief, just knowing that now they can't do the same thing to Strider. The original Strider was an awesome game that had everything going on: sick character design, badass futuristic Russians, insane bosses and distinctive sound effects. You know, all the things that used to make games rad before the industry got a hard-on for so-called 'realism'.

This sketch taken from an online portfolio of an ex GRIN staff member shows design sketches that are heavily reminiscent of Strider. Couple that with the fact that Capcom already allowed them to ruin one awesome licence and it seems fairly likely that GRIN were on-track to tread on even more of my childhood memories.

With that in mind, I'd like to express my best wishes to now-unemployed GRIN staff members and their families, that is unless they were working on ruining Strider, or worked on ruining Bionic Commando. Fuck those guys, they got what they deserved.

via Joystiq

Sunday, 10 January 2010

Wednesday, 6 January 2010

Super Street Fighter IV Video Game, Exclusive Features Trailer HD

I'm always the last person on this blog to get excited about Street Fighter. Even I can't deny how awesome this looks.

By the way, the title is the link.

Cack-handed year-round-up that is also about what I am looking forward to in 2010

I had it all planned out: a banner, some semblance of structure. Then I got bored and distracted. I really wanted to make a go of this, but it's a little too formulaic. I couldn't even be bothered to come up with a decent post title. I'm sorry. I may chuck some headings in here, I may not. Let's just look at it as a stream of consciousness thing.

2009 was a tad shit for games and I personally -add foolishly- avoided some of the better ones (Uncharted 2, Borderlands, House of the Dead: Overkill). My New Year's Resolution is to get a Blockbuster card in an effort to resolve this. 2009 can be summarised for me with this succinct list of games that I enjoyed playing:

Street Fighter 4
Batman: Arkham Asylum
Guitar Hero Metallica
DJ Hero
Rhythm Paradise
Brutal Legend
Shadow Complex


Now, 2010, come to me. My boner-list:

1. Super Street Fighter 4

Heh, bet you never expected me to harp on about this, did you? That's why I'm getting it out of the way first. More of everything piled on top of my favourite game is exactly what I want. More characters, backgrounds, music, online modes and a whole host of tweaks that could potentially balance the game even further. Also, it will provide brilliant screenshots like this:

of Ken's stupid face. Look at ken - what a fucking knob, I hope that punch ruptures his spleen. Stupid face Ken.

2. The Last Guardian

If you ever played Ico or Shadow of The Colossus then I don't need to tell you how special a new Fumito Ueda project is. His inimitable mood and eye for detail shows no signs of absence here, along with a character partnership that serves to strengthen his status as one of gaming's few true auteurs. Beautiful from the offset, this can surely not disappoint.

3. Heavy Rain

David Cage may be a self-aggrandising wanker, full of pomposity and delusions of grandeur, but I still have to admire the guy's commitment and passion. He genuinely believes in the advancement of digital media, pushing it beyond the safe conventions of what defines a videogame. It could, of course, just turn out to be a glorified QTE, in which case we can all comfort ourselves by making fun of Cage. He's such an easy target after all.

4. Dead Rising 2

Played-out though they may be, I don't think I could ever get bored of killing zombies in Capcom's Dead Rising. With the sequel promising even more options and implements with which to maim the undead, I'm not about to turn my nose up. Blender on a zombie's head? Fuck Yeah!

5. Final Fantasy XIII

Whilst I'm still apprehensive about the lack of turn-based combat, it's hard not to look forward to a new Final Fantasy game. The brand always carries an assurance of quality that this generation of consoles has yet to truly see. On that basis alone I'm looking forward to it. Once again, their character design, music and presentation are all looking incredible too, which only helps it's case.

6. Hokuto Musou (Fist of the North Star)

I grew up watching the Fist of The North Star anime and it gave me a taste for the kind of elaborate, explosive violence that the Japanese do so well. The game will have you beating the crap out of hundreds of dudes and you'll have the ability to make their heads explode. Sold.

7. Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days

If this comes out on time, bug free, it will be nothing short of a miracle. The first game was a colossal fuck up in terms of tweaking, bug-fixing and marketing. Eidos rushed it out incomplete and pulled every dirty trick in order to get sales from halfway-decent review scores, need I remind you of Gerstmann-gate? With Square-Enix providing some much-needed assistance publishing the sequel, we can all breath a sigh of relief. IO Interactive's status as a quality developer should never be questioned, let's hope that with a new and respected publisher behind them, they can start making K&L the brand that it deserves to be. Then Hitman 5, please.

8. Yakuza 3

On an almost daily basis I find myself pining for more Shenmue. I've accepted that this will never happen, but at least we now will see a Western release for Yakuza 3 - a series which is often considered as Shenmue's spiritual successor. It's not quite the same as working down the docks, collecting capsule toys and winning Saturn games, but it'll do for now. I miss Yu, Suzuki. Pun intended.

I'm fairly sure that most of these games will get delayed. If so, I'll just re-post it next year. Until then......

Tuesday, 5 January 2010

You gotta fight. For your right. To MaaaaaaaaadCatz.

Under the instructions of The Faux Bot I am here to unveil Fightstick du cr0nt mk2.

The image was called 'king of the finches' and the bird was intended to be a White Zebra Finch (my gamertag is raisedbyfinches...) which looks a bit like that image over there. However I suck at vector drawings so I took a picture of The Behemoth's chicken, vectorised it and removed its comb. So now it looks kinda like a chicken. I will however leave it to you to decide on an individual basis.

So I ended up with the following new template to print.

20 minutes later, thanks to West 4 Printers it was done. It took me AN HOUR AND A HALF to cut out the circles because for some reason, today, I am being a bit of a rem.
Now its done, and looks beautiful. Proof.

and a better detail picture:

If any of you have a stick that you'd like customised I'll happily offer my services. I can also do faceplates for Guitar Hero guitars and with a bit of faffing about I guess I could do X360 controllers. All for those registered for cost pending approval (by me, of you).

Monday, 4 January 2010

Lost Planet Lego

Sometimes a witty headline just isn't called for. I was asked today to explain my raging boner for all things Twitter since I've allowed this humble blog to evolve ever so slightly. If this isn't reason enough, then I don't know what is.

Were it not for Twitter, then I would never know the joys of Lost Planet Lego creations, the accompanying Flickr group and Brickshelf - the starting point for it all.

Sunday, 3 January 2010

First Contact

Today, we have made further, bolder steps, going deeper and deeper into the blogosphere. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the decidedly non- seedy world of link-sharing. We at Split-Screen are now forever entwined with another videogames blog - the incredibly lovely System Fail News. This way, you can get a double-dose of bloggy goodness whenever you come here, or go there, as the case may be. I'm flattered and honoured at this union and want all of you to go read and comment and spread the word. You have to think, time was you had to put up with whatever tripe CVG and Gamesmaster were peddling. Now, schmucks like us do it for free! So show some appreciation. Seriously though, you guys are alright.

Anyway, your doing yourselves a favour too by reading System Fail News. The clue is in the title. Specifically the 'news' part. When was the last time we managed to do that. In terms of news, we're admittedly utter shite. But now someone has our back so that we are free to continue to peddle our unique brand of delusional smart-arsery. SFN now remains linked over to your right------------>

Also, in another bid to remain current, 'fresh' and cool, Split-Screen now can haz a Twitter account. I can tweet from my phone and it allows us all to make opinionated, un-thought-out sweeping statements at will, without any of this pesky context nonsense. The address you need is get there now and follow us, for a window into the abyss that has never before been offered.......or just to listen to me going on. Also, I'd like to point out just how inventive and witty the name StwittScreen is. You see, it's like Twitter, cross-bred with Split-Screen. Sometimes I just amaze myself.

Chocobo Avatar

I received my code a few days ago and was very happy until I viewed the item. It turns out it's shit and it's way to small to ride. I can't believe people were bidding for these on eBay.

Friday, 1 January 2010

The all time most awesome games of the decade

The Faux Bot will no doubt do his usual fantastic job in giving his games of the year, and to avoid starting some kind of flame war I'm going to take a slightly different tack and give you my games of the decade, and yes I am old enough to include all 18 rated titles of the last 10 years. Let's get this shindig started - be forewarned all ye who enter here, these are in no particular order as they are all as awesome as each other.

These are chosen by me and are solely my opinions. Anyone who doesn't like them please feel free to download and deface this picture of me [all credit to Paul Robertson, I just changed the hair colour and added a beard].

So here we go.


I fear this is probably not going to be a particularly popular choice, but HL2 (and its episodes) is my favourite game ever. With next year heralding the third (and final) episode of the series I'm already just as excited as I am by all the furore concerning SSF4, and in case anyone didn't know, the first game is being reworked in the source engine. It's due for release some time before I reach pension age.

I've included Portal with this as one game release, this is due to episode 3 being on the horizon and the Aperture Science ship being the central setting of it it kind of makes sense to include Portal. Also, anyone who pays for the PC version of HL2 gets CS:S and DOD:S included with the purchase, so they are included as well. If I were to rank the order then CounterStrike would have to be the game of the decade ahead of HL2 purely because it is the single greatest multiplayer FPS there is, and in the years since the release of the original nothing has managed to surpass it. Similarly you get Team Fortress 2 as part of The Orange Box deal, and for me was not just something tacked on at the end but a very fast-paced, addictive multiplayer shooter.

I could continue to write about how amazing these games are but I have many many more to get through so will just leave their names here and hopefully get those who haven't tried it to give it a go. Portal is also quite cheap on XBL Marketplace, with the addition of several extra challenge maps which makes it an even better deal.


The Behemoth struck gold when they created the characters for Castle Crashers, when Final Fight met the medieval. With four player online co-op, duels and a track and field inspired mini-game, it is absolutely not surprising that over 1 million units have been sold on XBOX Live alone. The game world is vast and provides endless reasons for replay, the largest driving force is to level up your knight (my choice is the necromancer) to beat your friends. When other games become a grind to level up or I want a break from being the Citizen Kane of shooting things in the face (thanks Charlston), I can always return to Castle Crashers. That for me makes it one of my top games of the decade.


This game is pure genius. The allegory of the atomic testing at Los Alamos (the Manhattan project), to the three intertwined narratives, to the nautical flags that spell out [levels separated by capitalisation] No, You are (standing into/approaching) danger, Stop instantly, Stop carrying out your intentions, You should stop, I have something important to communicate. However, most people will enjoy the hours purely spent solving the puzzles, and picking up keys. Possibly contemplating the commentary on how people will fail to be who they could be if they have never made a mistake, probably not.

In short it is the most layered, and intelligent game I have ever played. It is a shining star in hopefully what the future of vidya gamez holds. If you have not played this game, or if you have and thought that it was a story of a man searching for a princess then play it again, with the extra knowledge that there are more levels of story than the obvious.

*SPOILER ALERT* The princess is the bomb, and the cake is a lie *END SPOILER*


This game is the reason I'm here annoying the hell out of you all. If it wasn't for bop playing it and finding out I had it this summary of the decade would never have happened. I know that some of you may hold this against bop and maybe Street Fighter/Capcom, but I've never known a game bring quite so many people together as this has. It signalled a return to the glory days of fighting games, which had become stale and immensely over-complicated (can you imagine trying to teach somebody to air parry cancelling into FADC against Chun Li's SF4 ultra? Ryu's Metsu? That could have been a reality!) and niche. That the game is easy to pick up is, however, not indicative of any lack of depth, with the Focus Attack/Cancel mechanic Capcom have, in my opinion, finally come up with the best armour/linking of any generation of fighting game. Of course there are some issues with the game. My largest gripe is that reversals are far too easy to pull off (while I'm working hard with Gen, hitting 2 1-frame [that's 1/60th of a second window in which to press the correct button] links in succession, following with a bit of a combo, then on the 15th hit missing a 1-frame link only to be hit by a dragon punch that my opponent has been mashing out the whole time, which is then cancelled into ultra) is really, REALLY frustrating [not to mention pretty damaging to my character]. That online all of the links, non-basic combos are nigh on impossible to pull off with Gen, C. Viper, El Fuerte and some of the other dexterity-requiring characters, but the netcode is getting better and better each time and hopefully with the next iteration some GGPO code will be included to mask a lot of it, by no means perfect but it'd be a start.


Would you kindly shut the hell up if you think this shouldn't be here.


Some games need to be played with friends; drunk; on expert. This is one of them, the sheer difficulty of getting through the expert difficulty setting (without cheating) with three of your closest pals is the drawing factor that will keep you coming back to play through 50 or 60 times to get it done, then come back again to play against another team online. The AI Director (the computer code responsible for mixing up the zombie placements, amount, horde events, what special infected spawn where and when etc.) is some of the most intelligent code ever devised and it is cruel enough that if you have more than half your stamina approaching the safe room at the end of a level it will throw all hell at you so that you end up limping in closing the door a hair's breadth from having a hunter (a particularly nasty member of the aforementioned 'special infected') land on your face and kill you. It is the intensity of it all that makes it fun and made me play through it again and again. I've never actually finished it on expert - I've only got to the finale before all of us being wiped out and people giving up. If you've not played it then feel free to message me and we can form a team and I'll show you how great it can be.


The last decade has seen a huge rise in the number of 'casual gamers'. Nothing has been more at the forefront of this than the rhythm game. The idea is simple, you get all these songs you love and you get to play a plastic paddle/sing/drum/scratch along to it. This inclusion isn't necessarily the two named, these are merely my favourite two - it is intended to be the whole genre. Despite my real dislike for anything Guitar Hero after World Tour (5, Band Hero etc.). You may or may not like these but they have been instrumental in bringing our joys and passions to the masses and hopefully will, with the development of games like Bioshock and Braid, allow for games to be seen as art in a similar vain to film and writing. There are some problems with games, the last taboo of gaming is tragedy, but when a developer with the balls to do something about it comes along and fixes it then we may truly be on the forefront of what we can do. But that is a separate post entirely.


I have a slight confession to make, I had intended to put Super Mario 64 into this slot [it was released mid-90s on the N64, but appeared on the Wii's Virtual Console in 2003 and was going to be the link to include what is one of the best games ever made], but then over this Christmas holiday I had a quick go of the New Super Mario Bros Wii, in 4 player co-op and was utterly blown away. It took me back to playing Super Mario Brothers on the SNES, except I had 3 friends around me and we were all loving the hell out of it. Its fun, colourful and utterly fantastic. A complete departure from the seriousness of most of the other games on this list, but it is a return to the 2D SMBs we all know and love so much. It will make you feel 10 years old again.


Many of you will not have seen this, but it is well worth a look. It is a very hard game to pin down to any particular genre. The general synopsis is that whatever level you are playing is the dream of a flower as it sits on a windowsill in some city apartment. As you play through the city becomes more colourful until you complete it and the city is replaced by a beautiful mountainscape. I guess its a Real Time Strategy, but without the war, and with flowers. The controls are also quite novel in that you guide a petal through the colourful dreamscape by tilting the Dual Shock controller and pressing a button creates a gust of wind to push you along at an accelerated rate for a short period of time. The aim then is to guide your petal into other flowers in the area to create an explosion of colour and brighten the world. It sounds completely crazy, but it is beautiful, addictive and utterly relaxing. This, coupled with Braid, makes me hope that this amount of thought goes into every game created from this point forward, and that more independent studios (and some larger ones) will brave such projects.

DARWINIA [PC/X360 to appear]

Another small time project from another independent studio, but this RTS game has you try to rid an electronic world of viruses. Like Command and Conquer on mesh. This can be picked up on Steam for about a fiver, so at that price you simply cannot go wrong.

Valve [Duh!]

Of course you all saw this coming. But they are my leaders of the video game world. With their Steam system which allows digital distribution of games, and provides the dedicated servers and anti-cheat systems that the users love so much, to their games which continue to astound as well as their support for independent developers by providing the Steam store and their Source engine development kit for free. They also offer short university based courses for how to use the engine and are allegedly working on a linux port of all their software. They are doing things that other developers dare not. Oh, and did I mention that they created half-life 2 and counterstrike?


The guys that gave us Gibbage, Ben There Dan That and Time Gentlemen Please continue to give us amazing games for roughly the price of two pints of beer. You can pick up the complete set for under a tenner on Steam, or you can go get Ben There, Dan That free from their website. The latter two are clever point and click affairs while the first involves side on shooting. Try them out, its the New Year, so you've more than likely already had so much to drink that you are fed up of the sight/smell of it so can go without the two pints that will allow you to get them.

FACIAL HAIR OF THE DECADE: Dr. Zed [Borderlands]

Because its TOTALLY not Dr. Ned with a strap on moustache.

I'm going to leave off DLC of the decade and character of the decade in the hope that some of you might suggest your favourites in the comments. So there it is, my personal run down of what games have been awesome in the last 10 years and had the most influence/brought the most joy to me. Disagree? Make it known.



This, just in case you were wondering, is the rather unspectacular end to our rather unspectacular and somewhat misleadingly titled giveaway. I'll admit, Micropoll and all, this whole thing went a little tits up. I will continue to apologise profusely (sorry). Special apologies go out to Yeah Roy, who would have won had it not have been for the Micropoll fuck up. As such, a consolation prize is on the way to that young man, mainly to stop him from lynching me.

I want to thank all entrants once again, for making this happen, I wish my technical and administrative know-how could have done better justice to everyone's efforts. But this is a new year after all, so expect me to learn from my mistakes, and look forward to more events in the coming months.

Right now I'm orchestrating some beginning/end-of-year things between myself and the other bloggers, so keep watch for that and also please don't forget how much I love hearing everyone sound off, so argue our tits off and feel free to nominate your best or worst anything game-related, ummm, things, of the year. Also coming will be a winner's ceremony and an unveiling of the swagbag in all it's glory. If you want to sound off in the end-of-year stuff just send me an email: