Monday, 17 May 2010

Mad Gear Solid

The future is here. It's not very Orange.

Some of you may be aware that we have grander ideas for our humble community than just letting you get your lulz at TFB's genitals. We have taken the first step on this road and I'd like to introduce you to Mad Gear Solid.

At this very moment we don't have our finished style (that'll take me a while) and only have a blog in place. But from small seeds great oaks do grow.

Expect in the coming months our finished front page, with links to the blog (which will have the same aesthetic as the rest of the site), downloadable goodies and more from your favourite game nerdz. We will shortly be leaving this little page behind. For up to date (and eventually early) info you will need to go to You have been warned.

So, do go over, sign up, if you need a contributor account email me with your preferred username and email address - if you can't find out where my email address is then you don't get one (or you could click on that little picture of Haggar up top and get it). I am the God of these things, but The Faux Bot might also be able to hook you up. If you ask him very nicely.

Sunday, 16 May 2010

Boobs are dangerous

We all know that boobies can be a whole load of fun. But we should also know that they can also be distracting, which often leads to danger.

I don't know how they did it, but some geniuses figured out a way to get said boobs into Team Fortress 2 and harness their jugular, distracting powers. Watch and laugh...

Via Sankaku Complex

Review: Lost Planet 2

On paper, Lost Planet 2 sounds fantastic: team-up to take down huge bosses using a plethora of cool weaponry and robotic suits, customise your character with unlockable items whilst levelling up in both the campaign and multiplayer. However, like everything else in life, all of this comes at a cost. In exchange, Capcom wants your sanity, your sense of equilibrium and about three control pads. In short, it is one of the most frustrating games I have ever played.

Lost Planet 2 is full of epic visuals, slick art direction and the kind of strong ideas that you'd expect in a Capcom game. The problem is, nearly all of them are so poorly implemented, or marred by another, flawed feature, that every session will leave you feeling sore and only looking at the negatives.

Capcom has clearly focused their efforts on making Lost Planet 2 a sequel in the Hollywood sense. It most certainly is bigger and packed with new features. Some of the giant boss battles are genuinely impressive and convey a sense of scale that would make Cliff Blezinski weep. Unfortunately, by diverting all their attention into those huge bosses, Capcom have forgotten to address the issues from the first game and have even created new ones that could have been easily avoided were they paying more attention to the basics.
Rather than pitting you against legions of Akrid, you now spend the majority of your time duking it out with other gun-toting, Vital Suit riding snow pirates. Gone is your sense of power, the variety and the arcade pacing that made the first one so much fun, instead leaving you with a run-of-the mill cover shooter without a cover system.

In single-player mode the game is rendered almost unplayable at times, thanks to some brutally retarded AI. One sequence in particular tasks you with defeating one of the huge 'Category G' Akrid using a mounted railway cannon. This sequence involves having to manually load it with huge shells, then energise them, rotate the cannon to the correct position and then get in it, aim and fire. All the while, your train is being rammed by the giant Akrid and you are being swarmed by smaller, 'projectile' Akrid. It doesn't end there, either. You also have to monitor your train's declining health bar, running to the bottom after every second or third Akrid attack, to inject coolant to stop the thing going up in flames. Oh, also if you fall off, it's instant death and back to the beginning of the entire level, not the boss battle, the ENTIRE LEVEL. Now, this may be totally manageable with three team mates, but the fuck-awful AI would rather watch as you perform each task yourself. Seriously, it's almost as if they are mocking you; they even occasionally will pick up a shell, as if to rub salt in the wound, showing what, in a fair and just world, they should be doing to help you.

Next time a game markets itself as a 'team-up' experience, really take that into consideration before you purchase it. The AI renders whole sections of the game unplayable, leaving you wishing for the uninvolved, checkpoint activating nonsense that comprises the other 90% of the game. The game is criminally shallow at times, posing you with little more to do than find another data post, each time insisting on another, ill-conceived reason that you would be doing it, usually it's to facilitate some sort of evacuation procedure. Most of the time I felt like the world's unluckiest cartographer.

I wish there were more nice things to say about the game, I truly do. As a die-hard Capcom fanboy, I wanted to love this game and bought it over Alan Wake, telling myself that I should always support the things I love, like when I bought Brutal Legend over Uncharted 2. I know, I know. Lost Planet 2 almost goes out of the way to frustrate you. One moment you'll be admiring the lush scenery, marvelling at the sense of scale, eyeing up a new piece of robotic hardware and the next, you'll be throwing your controller, because you can't for the love of God understand why they won't allow you to use your grappling hook mid-fall.

Even the promising unlockables system is let down by some frankly bizarre systems. Rather than collecting character parts and weapons in-game, you collect points. However, these points can't be spent on whatever you want, but instead you must use them on a 'spinner' (read: gambling machine) that nine times out of ten dishes out titles and taunts rather than anything of any actual use. You could be forgiven for thinking that the game was purpose-built to frustrate and annoy.

Lost Planet 2 had everything going for it, but is ultimately let-down by it's refusal to address the issues from the first game, adopt a user-friendly control scheme or steal from Western action games. It's as if they think Western gamers desire little more than online co-op and competitive modes, forgetting that the successes of Gears of War and Call of Duty are down to their tight mechanics and even tighter execution. It's a shame, because in the hands of more forward-thinking, or even contemporary developers, Lost Planet 2 could have been incredible.

Friday, 14 May 2010

What the eff are you playing?

In an effort to bring all of us reclusive fucks just that little bit closer together, I've decided to take a risk on a wild, new feature that I have semi-consciously stolen from numerous other, less dick obsessed, websites. I am drinking beer and eating pizza alone and very shortly I will be playing Lost Planet 2....alone. Anyone else being a reclusive mouth-breather this Friday evening? Then tell us what you're playing. Go on, please. We may even engage in some sort of conversation. Imagine that! The possibilities!

I figure there's a few playing the newly released Alan Wake, make sure to drop a comment to let everyone know what you think. Is it worth my forty quid?

Also, now taking witty title suggestions if this works out.

Thursday, 13 May 2010

Oh, Gabe

For those with adequate PCs and an interest in independently created games, Valve have recently bundled together 5 of the best independent games available into one package.

For a measly 15 bucks you will get the following awesomeness

1. Machinarium

A glorious steam punk point and click puzzler. It has won various design awards, and a Google search will help you see what they are. It's cute, fun and at times hugely mind bending.

2. World of Goo

Does exactly as it says on the tin. You create structures using orbs of goo in order to get another set of goo balls to an exit. Which is far more addictive than you'd think.

It has its own mini-game as well, which is World of Goo Corporation, where the aim of the game is to build the largest towers or longest bridges which is also quite damn addictive.

3. And Yet It Moves

An interesting torn paper aesthetic and a fun twist on puzzle platforming make this a good, if short game. As you play you run, jump and can rotate the world in order to make it from A to B whilst avoiding obstacles. Pretty run of the mill. Until you read it again and notice the rotate the world part. This can make all the difference.

4. Osmos

Here you play a single organism (called a mote) and the aim is to absorb smaller motes to make yourself the largest mote in the level. However, there are motes that are already larger than yourself, be absorbed by them and its game over.

Last but not least we have

5. Galcon Fusion

This post is getting too long so this is from wikipedia:

Players start with one planet and send off ships to conquer other planets around them. The numbers on each planet indicate how many ships it will take to conquer them. The numbers on a player's own planet indicate the amount of ships that their planet holds. Each planet a player owns produces ships for that player with more ships at a faster rate produced depending on the planet's size. Players can select what percentage of the ships to send from a planet and players can redirect ships in midair. The aim of the game is to defeat the other opponent(s).

Individually you would usually pay that price for Machinarium alone. This is one of the best deals I've seen since The Orange Box came out. Please jump on it. These independent developers need all the support we can give them to continue providing us with non-FPS clones all year long.

Also, chuck another 3.99 on top and you can get the excellent Winterbottom. Which you all know I <3 hard. The Faux Bot has now had his pretentious view that it is 'Braid for dummies' smashed and seemed to enjoy it (okay, he was at gunpoint and worried about his glossy dick at the time but still!).

If you still have doubts, download the machinarium demo, see that it is glorious and then get this - you get 4 other awesome games for free!

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

Figure ambivalence - Vesperia

After a few weeks of looking at the first batch of Tales of Vesperia figures from Kotobukiya, the second collection is finally out for pre-order:

First collection:
Second Collection:
I can honestly say I'm torn. They're not terrible by any means, but somehow not great either. These are characters I always had high hopes for if they ever released figures, but it looks like a bit of a mixed bag.

At first glance things look promising, but then you start to notice little details. For example Yuri and Estelle's faces are not quite right, and Raven's hair, while well sculpted, is way off and gives the character a wholly different ( read:wrong) look.

Being released in sets of 5 (One hidden figure in each box- silhouettes reveal them as Repede and Duke) is off-putting for me also, I might have taken a punt on a few (including the two that are not pictured- typical) if I could have picked them up separately. Only time will tell if they get individual release, but I'm doubtful.

Perhaps they're awful and I'm in denial as I wanted to love these so badly, or perhaps they're actually pretty good but I hoped for perfection. I'm not sure. What I do know is with so many top grade figures out there at the moment it's hard to part with the cash if you're 100% convinced. After all this though, I still can't make up my mind >_<.

Photos from Tomopop

Fallout: New Vegas Collector's edition makes my genitalia tingle

Seriously, I feel that it is now OK to start talking about my junk again. I reckon I lasted about a week and I genuinely feel as if I have learned some important lessons. For instance, I now understand that sometimes it's fine to talk about your dick and balls. Sometimes they are glossy and/or aroused and people will want to know about these sort of things, from time to time. That, right there, is the key lesson: 'from time to time'. In short, I have learned that it is only acceptable to talk about one's junk in certain situations; situations like Bethesda's announcement of its Fallout: New Vegas Collector's Edition.

It contains:

  • Lucky 7 poker chips. Each of the seven poker chips was designed to represent chips from the major casinos found on the New Vegas strip and throughout the Mojave Wasteland.
  • A fully customized Fallout: New Vegas deck of cards. Each card in the pack has been uniquely illustrated to depict characters and factions found within the game. Use the cards to play poker, blackjack or Caravan, an original card game that was created by Obsidian especially for New Vegas!
  • A recreation of the game's highly coveted "Lucky 38" platinum chip.
  • A hardcover graphic novel "All Roads," that tells the story of some of the characters and events that lead up to Fallout: New Vegas. "All Roads" was written by Chris Avellone, the game's creative director, and created in conjunction with Dark Horse Comics.
  • The Making of Fallout: New Vegas DVD. This documentary DVD will contain exclusive video content, including interviews with the developers in which they take you from concept to creation and discuss topics such as story, setting, legacy of the Fallout franchise and more.
Stolen from Destructoid

Fellow wastelanders, let us unite our boners and pledge to buy this wonderful display of unnecessary ownership and commodity fetishism. I tell myself that constantly buying this crap is OK because it's going to form a nest-egg for my future children, who will inevitably be ruthless little fuckers willing to sell their father's prized possessions the very instant that he shuffles off his mortal coil. Go get 'em, tigers, this one's for you.

Jamie Foxx really is Lynch

Wow, for real!? I thought everyone was joking up until this point. Already one of my favourite franchises though, so I'm willing to give this a chance. Can Foxx do schizophrenia?

Confirmed by Empire Magazine's Twitter

Monday, 10 May 2010


Just got made official! Looks adorable as all hell, right? Makes me want to go back an do something creative with the first one, but that might have to wait until after Lost Planet 2. I know this will be everywhere, but my motivations for posting it are entirely selfish, you see I need to know what that music is! Internet sleuths, tell me! hopefully I will have an answer when I return.

What are your thoughts? Now it's going to be about making your own games rather than just your own levels with Media Molecule boss Mark Healey being convinced that the title will see creators giving birth to entirely new genres, is this blind optimism, genuine, or marketing guff?

If only the Lost videogame was really like this

By Penney Design

Via Super Punch

I am not a target market (or at least I wouldn't be if I didn't enjoy buying things so much)

The infamous words of Johnny Rotten appropriately set the tone here: “Ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?” If only we paid a little more attention, us ‘modern gamers’ would find ourselves answering ‘yes’ to this question on a regular basis. I could use numerous examples to illustrate my point here; the scourge of subscription fees or even DLC swindles, but I’ll resist the temptation in order to bring something else to your attention, something you may not have given much thought – the horror that is the ‘exclusive beta’.

The idea of a Beta itself is not one that I oppose. Games like Halo Reach will greatly benefit from their beta testing – allowing it’s designers to fix glitches and rebalance the gameplay before retail release. Reach’s Beta serves so many purposes; it’s findings directly affect the game’s development, it gets the fans hyped and it makes them feel as if they are an important part of the design process, which they naturally should be. My issue is more with the frequent misuse of the term: when developers describe a humble demo as a beta. They deliberately abuse the term to make their game seem all the more important, to give it an air of exclusivity and make us want it all the more. They invite us to ‘take part’ rather than simply ‘download’ and so many of us are willing to participate. I’ll admit, I’ve done it a few times now; sat on Twitter waiting for codes and gone through shitty, long-winded registration processes just to get myself a beta code. Not once did I ask myself the right questions: Is this actually a Beta? Is there a feedback system in place? Is there really enough time between now and the game’s release to implement any of this feedback? Nearly every time, the answer would have been ‘hell no’.

If you’re wondering why publishers and developers engage in such seemingly deceitful and devious behaviour, the answer is quite simple. They aren’t pure evil nor do they get off on hoodwinking you, it’s just that they’re getting a bit desperate. Right now, we are experiencing one of the gaming industry’s most fruitful and productive periods. Naturally, there are a great number of games all vying for our attention, desperate for us to send our hard-earned coin in their specific direction. Nothing wrong with that. Go capitalism. The problem for the companies is that competition is tougher and they have to come up with more imaginative and elaborate ways in which to make us believe that only they deserve our patronage. In times such as these, the ‘Beta’ is a marketing man’s wet dream. Getting customers to work for a code instantly raises brand awareness. You can tell your friends, you can gloat and you were aware of and thinking about that one particular game the entire time you were doing it. The process of working for the beta code is a persistent form of advertising and every time you gloat, every person who follows your words, makes you the guy with the digital sandwich board. Before you realise it, you’ve allowed yourself to be marketed to and you’ve done somebody’s job for them. It wouldn’t be so bad if you’d got paid, but all you were left with was a shitty demo for a game that nobody really cared about until they identified the distinct whiff of exclusivity.

My heart goes out to the various marketing departments that try these tactics, because my better nature believes that it was probably the last resort. When the previews and trailers aren’t paying off, poor little Johhny Marketing Department has to resort to the false beta to drum up some interest before release. I want to buy these guys a book filled with Donald Draper wisdom so that they may see the error of their ways and I pity them because it’s a tough job. On the one hand you’ve got disgruntled, loud-mouthed gamers like myself who scarcely have an eye for anything that isn’t made by Capcom and on the other you’ve got jaded games journalists who have to play the same old crap day-in, day-out. Simply put, there’s always going to be a lot working against the marketing of any game, especially with the shelves being so crowded.

Publishers and their marketing departments continue with this sort of behaviour for one, simple reason. We, the gamers, allow them to. Every time we cue up for a demo masquerading as a beta, we are telling them that this shit works. As consumers, we should remain stalwart, sensible and demanding. There will always be plenty to play, so stop running around and stop allowing yourself to be marketed to. Those marketing guys get paid tidy sums, so make them work for it. Every time we get over-excited at the whiff of something being even mildly exclusive, we are doing someone’s job for them and sending out the message that they don’t need to try with the products any more, because the marketing works like a dream.

Saturday, 8 May 2010

Chun-Li and Cammy restyle

If you were wondering where to go for your nerd boner today, look no further! Courtesy of Incise Soul here are some images of the Street Fighter duo - Tecmo (Ninja Gaiden) style.

SanCom's Artefact put it more amusingly than I could: 'Fans of the female cast of Street Fighter finally gain some welcome respite from the colossal thighs Capcom has lately seen fit to grant them'. Heh. More pictures on his original post.

I can't say I prefer these renditions over the originals, or that I've ever contemplated a female Street fighter cast with regular thighs, but they're definitely worth a look^^.

Big-up the 'buff

If any proof was needed that igglybuff's Blanka was a bad-ass motherfucker here it is. This picture was accurate as of yesterday (7th May) and he is still active (when he's not drinking beer or playing with kittens), so watch your ass if you see him lurking around in the SSFIV ranked lobby.

'Number one in Europe, bitches' - igglybuff 07/05/10

Friday, 7 May 2010

Don't fuck with The Haggar part 2

When my boy, Grant, promised me a Final Fight painting for my birthday, I was both flattered and a little excited. Five months later and I am expecting some sort of renaissance masterpiece. Almost daily I shouted at this motherfucker to finish my goddamn birthday present but the prick teasing continued as the snow melted and the leaves turned green.

Fortunately, the saga is now at an end so it's without further ado, that I am honoured to present you all with a rendition of Final Fight's heroes that would make Leonardo proud.

Excuse the crappy photo.

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

Why didn't they change Blanka!?

One for all the Street Fighterz: Burgy just made me shoot milk out of my nose. Why aren't you subscribed to him on Youtube yet? What are you, some sort of jerk?! Don't be a jerk.

Two Street Fighter Fan Films in a week? FFS!

I admire this kind of dedication and level of fandom. I'm the kind of nerd that just spends money on stuff to prove to other just how 'into it' I really am. Hats off to these guys then, who went out and made pretty decent tribute films to the ever-awesome Street Fighter.

Unfortunately for the guys that made this first one, they didn't realise that there was a higher-budget, Capcom-sanctioned one in the works. BAM! DENIED!!

Beginnings End (the lower budget one)

Street Fighter Legacy (the sanctioned one)

Both look pretty awesome for what they are, but unfortunately both feature nerdy weaklings that makes them look like little more than dedicated cosplayers. I don't think these characters were ever intended for live action. What about you, which one looks better?

It's called a road. It's called a Rainbow Road.

Internet 1 - 0 Everything Else

I think this might have something to do with the meaning of life, but I might be reading too much into it.

Bear Untitled

Bear Untitled - D.O. edit from Christen Bach on Vimeo.

Hard-hitting emotions, lovingly rendered in 8-Bits.

Tuesday, 4 May 2010


click to embiggen

If you don't tell me to stop now I'm going to keep doing this.

This stupid idea is owned by Split-Screen but all the images used are the property of Capcom and Konami. Please don't sue us if you want this to go away, just ask nicely.

Obsessive game buying

This morning I felt much better about spending money on 'non-essentials' when I saw this:

It's every Xbox360 game that has been released in Japan. I wont get into how it's even more strange/impressive given the 360s standing in Japan but instead would like to applaud the dedication! It's good to know everywhere in the world people are spending too much money on luxuries they don't need. Honestly I'm not surprised though, people will collect almost anything so I'm expecting some similar pictures from the West in response to this soon.

You do have to wonder however if the person who owns these has played them all. I'd guess the majority of these games have not been anywhere near a 360 disc tray. I wouldn't criticise though, how many of us can claim not to have a single unread book lying around or a DVD we haven't got around to yet? Judge not lest ye be judged and all that.

As is so often the case with these blog posts, there was gold to be found in the comments:

"It looks like much at first gaze, but then you compare it to the cars people buy, or the mortgages people took on their houses and suddenly this fellow appears to be perfectly sane. $30k on video games, why not." - Asbestos_Underwear

Fair comment... If I could drive my games to work or literally live in them.

Via Kotaku

Everyone Loves Freebies.


This is why I'm offering you, the public, the chance to win this Dhalsim Conversion Kit. Or, as they're more commonly known, a tshirt. I had it free from a website with SSFIV, and as I'm an incredibly large oaf I thought I'd have fun with it and give it away. Heres the beauty!

If you want to look like my all time favourite stretchy man then simply send me an image of you doing an impression of any streetfighter character you so desire. Points awarded for hilarity and anything else that floats my boat. is the email address, you've got til Friday and its open to anyone who reads this! Tshirt size is L.

Anyone give a shit about Black Ops?

By now I would have thought most of you have seen this new trailer for Call Of Duty: Black Ops. The question is - as in my witty post title - do you give a shit? Does that trademark night-vision goggle start-up sound get you all sweaty-palmed any more? Amidst all the controversy concerning the brand, Activision and Infinity Ward, not forgetting that Treyarch are always playing second fiddle, the next Call of Duty needs to be like a sparkling sapphire in a quagmire of dog shit.

That said, if I was ever going to care about another Call Of Duty game it'd be this one. Espionage, Russians, Major Tom; all that Cold War stuff really starts my engine. More importantly, it makes with a break from tradition, after all, being sick of the Gulf Wars is the new being sick of the World Wars.

I know, it's only a teaser, but they've hinted at the right things here: cosmonauts, Vietnam and the prospect of being 'forced to remember'. That means you've seen some bad shit. You repressed it and now the evil government scientist want to crack open your brain like a raw egg. If this game is about fucking up some dudes that want to smash your mind open and getting to go into space then sign me up.

As much as I enjoy the setting, I'm curious as to whether a developer as hackneyed as Treyarch can nail the tone for a Cold War game. The trailer follows the standard format: heartbeat synchronised fade-ins and outs, explosions that are all like brawwwwsh and that audio cue that sound like a string section being sucked into a vacuum. If they're breaking with tradition they should at least have the guts to go all the way and not just slap a Cold War skin on the same old shooter. My advice: go play Snake Eater and stop watching Michael Bay movies.

What do you think?

Monday, 3 May 2010

Ask Kenny

Consolevania was amazing. Someone please help me rip it off.


Sometimes fate, God, Karma, whatever you want to call it, deals you a helping hand. For instance; whatever cosmic force is currently pulling my strings has obviously taken note of the fact I am trying to distance myself from using my dick as a form of expression. In all of it's wisdom, my secret deity has generously provided me with a game that is so adorable and innocent that describing my erection to express how I felt about it would be all sorts of wrong and justify all those kids that shout 'nonce!' at me on the way to work.

Ilomilo is the new XBOX Live Arcade title from Swedish developers Southend. Right now, it may not be a name that many are familiar with, but Ilomilo looks to be a unique and brand-building title that recalls the simplistic, hand-stitched charm of Littlebigplanet and the platform/puzzle gameplay of the little-known PS1 title Kula World.

If, like me, you loved Southend's Commanders: Attack of the Genos then you'll have another reason to look forward to Ilmilo. Commanders was an under appreciated turn-based strategy. Largely down to it's genre, it didn't garner much attention, in spite of it's solid mechanics and stylish, retro-futurist art direction.

Ilimilo, with it's sugary, hand-crafted visuals and charming soundtrack should bring some much-deserved attention to Southend and judging by the attention it's receiving so far, should provide the studio with a well earned hit.

If you didn't grin like a fool throughout the duration of that trailer then check your pulse, you black-heart. Maybe the years of seal-clubbing or working at the abortion clinic have dulled your emotions. Maybe you miss the lack of phallic imagery or maybe you think you're too cool for school. Even Amon Amarth would dig this shit and those guys are fucking vikings! Come on now, you wouldn't want to let them down, would you?

Via Offworld

8-Bit Tits

Technically speaking I'm really behind the times on this one, but I'm sure you'll forgive me, knowing as you do that it is very difficult for me to fit things in around my busy schedule of jerking off, drinking and playing videogames.

Today I find myself in awe. I am filled with a distinct sense of joy and pride, just knowing that such nobility exists within the human race. The object of my affection is Fami Fami someone who, in their great wisdom, has seen fit to edit boobs onto various NES/FAMICOM games. I'm sure you'll agree that this is the sort of thing humans were really meant to be doing with their time. Curing cancer - fuck that. Developing medicines - suck my dick. Exploring space - explore your mother's ass. Putting boobs on 8-bit NES sprites - pinnacle of civilization. This is where the Romans fucked up. If they had just started drawing tits on pictures of fully clothed ladies with photo editing software we'd all be speaking Italian and eating and fucking until we puked.

As something of an added bonus, this quest -as I'm going to call it- has also enlightened the world by showing us the reality of April O'Neill's tits. That yellow jumpsuit is the kind of thing that haunts my fantasies. I was going to write on here some more today but I think I may just go on a Turtles Hentai pilgrimage instead. See you tomorrow.

Via Kotaku

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