Friday, 18 July 2008

Egg on yo' face

So, what did I get right about this year's E3 and the future of our beloved games consoles? Next to fuck all. Sorry, but can anyone honestly say that they were expecting the Final Fantasy bombshell? What was nice and predictable though was just how horrible and soul-sucking Nintendo's presentation was. Let me say it clearly, that I am all for the Wii. It's nice, simple and accessible and I think mothers and grandparents should be catered too. Its only fair. That said, I can only imagine the fanboy rage that Nintendo are bring upon themselves. This year's showing and the general direction for the company almost seems like one, big fuck you to all the faithful kids that kept Nintendo alive through the N64 and the Gamecube.

This video perfectly sums up Nintendo's showing this year, including Reggie Cheeseburger's blind optimism that his company still caters for 'core gamers', some mental 'soccer mom' bitch and Miyamoto doing his best to embody the phrase 'even a god can bleed'.

Reminds me of Chris Morris/Charlie Brooker.

The Faux Bot

Monday, 14 July 2008

Console war predictions/musings

Ah E3, the show that last year gave us Viva Pinata: Party Animals, more empty promises about Home and I'm sure Nintendo were probably shit as well. Although it's been dwindling in credibility for some time now, I feel particularly bitter about last year's show. I followed it closely and got squat. Jack shit. I wish I could predict what this year was going to be like, but I am merely a mortal and my skills with the force are not what they once were.
The one thing that is for sure is that this year will most definitely be the year of the copycat.

Sony copies Microsoft, Microsoft copies Nintendo. Sony puts 'Home' logos on game boxes (just like Xbox's Live logos) and Microsoft will probably announce some fuck awful motion controller to tie in with the new Banjo Kazooie game. This whole situation amuses me and frustrates me in equal measure. Xbox seem intent on trying to snatch away the fictional 'casual gamer' market, a market that by definition is never likely to buy many games. They are casual because they buy a Wii and play Wii Sports when the family is around or the house has been cleaned from top to bottom and the roast is in the oven. These people will not be buying 360's, no matter how many family friendly features the 'soft ram into it. They want a Wii, they want that brand. They aren't shopping around for consoles that sport motion sensitivity.

Whilst Microsoft are off chasing Nintendo's shadow, all Sony have to do is hoover up the crumbs of the used and heartbroken hardcore. The gamers that made the 360 what is will no doubt be massively turned off, Sony wades in with it's Live-meets-Second Life, otherwise known as 'Home', tell them that the extra £100 they have to spend on the console gives them free online gaming and Blu-Ray, and the hardcore has a new place to dwell. I've often criticized Sony for simply copying the 360. Alot of my frustration with the PS3 lies in the fact that in terms of quality software and value for money, it pales in comparison to the 360. The PS3 has shown a distinct lack of originality and continually carries with it Sony's characteristic arrogance. Sony's focus is primarily on hardware and their goal with the PS3 seems to be pleasing T3 readers, rather than GamesTM readers. I fall into the latter camp, but I have to give them credit where it's due. There's going to be a hole in the market and they have the biggest, blackest and shiniest cock, and it's firm and ready to plug it.

Microsoft will inevitably lose out by copying Nintendo, whilst Sony will eventually profit from aping their closest rival. It's a sad tale really. Microsoft saw a house paved with gold, but it turns out that somebody gave them the wrong directions. Sony moves in and claims squatter's rights while they're out and Nintendo sit atop their lofty castle built from the bullion that they forged themselves and lined with the finest hookers that their self-printed money could buy. Nintendo laughs like Brian Blessed in Blackadder, whilst eating a fucking huge turkey leg.

The Faux Bot

Wednesday, 9 July 2008

WTF Is Grand Theft Auto IV?

You may very well be forgiven if you've all but forgotten about GTAIV. I openly admit that despite the single player campaign being absolutely fantastic, the multiplayer wore too thin, too quickly. It simply doesn't stand the test of time and will never be able to compare with the likes of Call of Duty 4. I still love the game though, I'm just done with it long before I thought I ever would be.

It seems that some are still playing it though, as wonderfully demonstrated by this glorious nugget of user-generated content, or machimana, or whatever the fuck its called. Kudos goes to Prof Membrain for discovering this one on the spyware-infested nerd's favourite:, which is actually a superb movie website. I just got sick of cleaning my computer everytime I went on there. The execution is hardly amazing in this video, but I've yet to see better and you've got to give them credit for their ingenuity. If the video floods your computer with Trojans, don't blame me.

The Faux Bot