Thursday, 26 February 2009

The Skate 2 Trash Talkin' Throwdown: Round 4 - The Street Fighter Special

Here you go, you salivating dogs, you. Hungry for your next feast of kung-fu goodness? Look no further and help yourselves to our generous buffet, just make sure to vote when you're done.


The Faux Bot:

What're you waiting for, Christmas?

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

The Skate 2 Trash Talkin' Throwdown: Round 4 - The Street Fighter Special

With the majority of us still in the honeymoon period with our copies of Street Fighter IV, what could be more appropriate for this week's Skate 2 throwdown than the almighty Judo grab?

This week is all about precision and simplicity. No lines, no jazz, just the best execution of one trick. Keep your eyes peeled for the videos throughout the week and please e-mail me if you find anywhere that has those SF4 fightpads in stock. Seriously, what the fuck happened there?

For all the non-initiated, here's what you should be looking for (click).

Please forgive the lack of trash talking. I think we both must be too tired this week.

The Faux Bot

Sunday, 22 February 2009

Ever wondered whats inside?

I assume you'll all find this as entertaining as I did because I know funny. A girl once told me so, so it must be true. "You sure do know funny" is what she said. I just laughed nervously as I was trying to eat a Cadbury's flake at the time and it was not going well at all. Gettin' chocolate all over me.

Now that's on the table and my credibility is confirmed, here's the clip I alluded to in the post title.


The Skate 2 Trash Talkin' Throwdown: Round 3 - The Result

It is with a heavy heart that I write this, so forgive me for being brief. It would seem as though the tides have turned and I, The Faux Bot, must accept my complete annihilation at the hands of Paperboy. It was a whitewash ladies and gentlemen and there's no more dancing around this:



No more! The time for manly tears is now over and I shall rise from the flames like the phoenix, nay, 200 phoenix! An almighty squadron of riser-uppers! Mwahahaha!

The Faux Bot

Don't Shit Your Pants

A good bit of general advice there, but also the name of an amusing little browser game I came across today. This text-based "survival horror" has you taking control of a hapless, pixellated chap who desperately needs to drop the kids off at the pool. Only one person can help him : You! Have fun trying out the various type commands and exploring all the possibilities. There are some equally amusing achievements and a good 10 minutes worth of replay value. I've successfully pooed now, but I cannot rest until I earn all of those awards.

If like me you love poo-poo humour and the mere use of the term 'poo-poo' is enough to make you laugh, you will thank me for this gem.

The Faux Bot

Friday, 20 February 2009

Pop my eyeballs in an Alka Seltzer

ARRRGGGHHHH! You know what that sound is? It's the sound of my eyeballs screaming at me, trying desperately just to escape the confines of my skull. Those guys are pissed and typing here isn't making it any better. I have been playing Street Fighter IV for around 5 solid hours. I have fueled myself with ginger ale and banana pud. For the record, both were lovely.


Alright, geez, sorry. What am I trying to say you ask? Firstly, Street Fighter IV is fantastic. However, Seth, the final boss, is a ballbag. Really, really unbearable: to the point that you begin to question your own sanity and balance in your mind, after your 30th continue, whether or not this is really worth it. Sure, you may beat him eventually and you'll take some pride from that. Then, slowly but surely, the reality will creep into your consciousness. The reality is that you just lost an hour of your life to defeating someone who is essentially, the hideous love child of Jade Goodey and Duncan Goodhew. Oh yeah, and Hitler or one of them fellas put a bit of seed in too, just for added evil. The worst part is you can't even make some sort of claim to superior skill once the whole ordeal is over, because the reality is you are knackered, fatigued even, all you want to do is go weep in the corner rather than ride the wave of your success. Based on my own experiences, I offer up this piece of advice: When playing Arcade mode, leave your pride at the door. Beat him first time and your a legend, beat him after 200 attempts and you're a loser. Get used to that fact and bump it down to Easy, that's what I did.

So, if you're anything like me today, you will have shed many a tear, those of joy upon witnessing the beauty of Capcom's finest first-hand and those of despair when you are reminded of why they remain the 'Hardcore's Favourite'. Need cheering up? Look no further than some delightful videogame-inspired comics via our good friend Paperboy. He is a man of discerning taste, you can rely on these to ease a smile onto your sore face. Click the picture for more.

The Faux Bot

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

The Skate 2 Trash Talkin' Throwdown: Round 3 - The Yogi Bear Special

Please forgive my tardiness. Inactivity breeds laziness and I have a week off work.


The Faux Bot


Tuesday, 17 February 2009

The Split-Screen Street Fighter 4 Tournament - STILL progressing nicely

This week I am finding it hard to think about anything other than Street Fighter 4. I've been bouncing around the house all day, announcing my actions in a loud, furious Engrish accent and humming my favourite BGM tunes. But there comes a time when all children must channel their energy into activities that are not simply about annoying the family. I have realised that my enthusiasm would be put to better use on here, so here's the tournament as it currently stands:

The rules: No Akuma. This isn't up for debate, he is, for want of a better term, a total and utter cunt. He exists to punish those who get too big for their boots and is about the most unbalanced character in the game. As a result, it wouldn't be fair if anyone was to use him. With this in mind, I am also considering banning Seth and Gouken. Gouken will no doubt be pretty much identical to Akuma and Seth is supposed to be some sort of Edge Master type of supercunt. This will be made more clear when the game actually comes out and I can assess it for myself. However, I welcome any arguments concerning these other characters because I am not 100% familiar with them.

As far as the matches are concerned, everything will be kept to default standards, as in best of 3 rounds, 90 second time limit etc. Winning the tournament will be determined through a points system. Each round won will give you a point to be added to your total. This way, everyone has something to fight for, rather than simply accepting defeat after a pasting in round 1. As for tie-break situations, they will be easily solved by a default brawl between the two competitors. Everyone involved will be fighting each other twice and I will endeavour to arrange matches around other people's schedules, so please try to be patient and understanding.

As I've already mentioned, these details aren't exactly 'solid' yet, but the benefit of posting them is that it gives you the opportunity to pitch in or criticise before it's too late. I welcome any feedback or suggestions you may have.

The Prizes:

Because what constitutes a good prize all comes down to personal preference, I have decided it best that the winners are allowed to pick their prizes, with whoever comes in first place getting the first pick, naturally. The first that you see is actually now in my possession and the other will be very soon. With the prizes I wanted to put my money where mouth is, hopefully it's appreciated and will set the bar for future events.

Prize number one: Super-Deformed, Puzzle Fighter style Akuma figure:

Prize number 2: XBOX 360 Faceplate and console skin kit:
I've not decided on a third prize yet, but again, I'm open to suggestions. All you have to do is sign up if you fancy joining in. Don't worry about distance, if you need me to mail your prize to you, I will do so, happily. If I haven't spoken to you in person about it, just comment on the post to join in and let me know. All you need is regular access to an XBOX 360 with a gold account and a copy of Street Fighter 4.

I also mentioned before about creating some result screens for posting the results of each match. I've finished a mock up now, but if any of you actually want in on this, you're going to have to mail me photos as soon as possible so I can get started.


Keep watching for more updates, don't forget to vote in this week's Skate 2 Throwdown and get practicing if you want to win those prizes.

The Faux Bot

Sunday, 15 February 2009

The Skate 2 Trash Talkin' Throwdown: Round 3 - The Yogi Bear Special


For a moment there I doubted my ability. Watching the scorecards come in, feeling my lower lip tremble like Michael J. Fox eating a toffee, I was beginning to suspect I was the Norway of the Skate 2 world.

But 3-2? I'll take that loss like a man. A man who shaves with a piece of broken glass, and pops babies between his biceps for sport. Sort of a Thomas Jane figure. Certainly not a clueless powder-puff, or a corpulent film director/esure salesman.

Seeing as I picked the category last time, I will humbly concede the choice of next round to the faux bot. He was the best of us.

But know this, faux bot. Your words and actions have been a call to arms for me. Soon you will feel the cold bead of fear crest your forehead, and that shiver down your spine. Know that I will grind across your grave one day, and that day draws closer


It is with great pleasure that I choose our next theme as I was beginning to fear that I may never get the opportunity. You may still be wondering what all this has to do with Yogi Bear and it just so happens that I have the fact nuggets that your ever so hungry mind is now craving. Yogi is famous for the stealing of, and consequent eating of, picnic baskets. As you all know, Picnics, by law, can only be eaten from designated picnic tables. Moving scenery to make your own trick spots is a big feature of Skate 2 and the humble picnic table sees its fair share of action.

Round 3 is dedicated to Yogi's favourite surface, so we want to see the most interesting, creative or entertaining use of a picnic table. Be it in a line, or a single trick, this week's video must use picnic table(s) to great effect.

The Faux Bot

The Skate 2 Trash Talkin' Throwdown: Round 2 - The Result

You know, a man could become accustomed to this kind of success. He could let it go to his head even. He could spew endless prose detailing his own greatness and belittling his foes. Thankfully, that man is not me. You see, despite my slightly 'arsey' tone here, I am humbled by my triumph and proudly admit that this round, I honestly thought that I would be bested. But now you must forgive me friends, for I digress; I forget myself and lose sight of the nature of this challenge, it is after all, a Trash Talkin' challenge, is it not? So without further ado..



So yeah, I won again this week. Thanks to all of those who voted and another big fuck you to those who couldn't be bothered to type a few words, you know who you are, again. But I kid, it's all in good fun. So, just in case you didn't gather it by now:


Round 3 coming up pretty much instantly!

The Faux Bot

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

The Split-Screen Street Fighter 4 Tournament - Progressing Nicely

Just a quick progress report for any that may have this down as another one of my wild fantasies. Quite a few names have signed up now and I have a few assured entries from people that are, at this current time, otherwise engaged. The first of 3 prizes has been purchased and I have begun deciding on the rules. More concrete details will be coming very soon, along with one of my ever-so-delightful banners to really seal the deal. For now, I've been keeping myself busy with some pixel work:

If any of you want to get on board with this, email me some headshots and I'll make yours too. It's work in progress at the moment, but if enough are interested, it could be a great feature for when posting the results. Keep on commenting kids, and don't forget to use your vote below.

The Faux Bot

The Skate 2 Trash Talkin' Throwdown: Round 2 - Stairsets

We officially made it to Round 2 and with both competitors still alive. The threat of death was actually very serious, contracts were mentioned, certain professionals were hired. But thankfully, that's all behind us now and we can continue with the healthy competition. With no further delay, I humbly present to you, our voting public, our submissions for round 2.

The Faux Bot:


If you have any trouble viewing the embedded videos, please follow the links below or switch to Firefox. In the meantime, I'm asking my 'html guy' to have a look. For now, courage.

Now, would you kindly let the voting commence by posting your comments below. Thank you!

The Skate 2 Trash Talkin' Throwdown: Round 2

Oh! Like that is it? Mock my failings with pictures of a saggy-boobed unfortunate, some sort of despotic director whose only claim to fame seems to be screaming at people more unfortunate than himself? Cajoling the deluded, who don't seem to be aware of sound crews, cameras poked directly in their stupid faces and the contracts they signed beforehand paying them a pittance? Fie! For shame!

See this? This is me, taking off the gloves. Why yes, they are fine Italian leather, but that's not the point. Now watch me cuff you soundly across the face. This challenge was a mere aperitif, and all it has shown me is that your technical skills are somewhat lacking. Yes, you can do rather pretty footplants, and I'm sure they will impress the impressible with their most spectacular nature. But you need to learn about the fine details.

Not only was your Koko B. Ware picture severely poor (where's the parrot? Sort it out!), but you can't even embed videos correctly! If you had seen the right hand side of the video, you would have seen a second skater I was controlling do a perfect 360 footplant off of TV's Adam West. But no. You "conveniently" need to sort out the kinks.

So I'm going to set you a challenge that will fulfil both a sense of the spectacular with an appreciation of the trimmings: Best stairset. All tricks in the line that blatantly are used to mount, scale or dismount the set count. All else is so much fumes.

Let the great experiment begin!


God, he does go on, doesn't he? Maybe if he spent less time finely crafting his words, then he would be able to spend more time dedicated to making a half-decent video. In case you had difficulty deciphering the facts in amongst such a flowery use of language, here they are:

Paperboy lost round 1 and is none-too-pleased about it.
Round 2 is dedicated to stair-sets; the best line or trick that involves a staircase. The line is the 'trimmings' to which Paperboy refers, so make sure to watch the presentation of the trick as a whole, but most importantly, just vote for whichever one you found to be the best.

Round 2 is proudly sponsored by Dr. Tobias Funke and Teamocil.

The Faux Bot

Sunday, 8 February 2009

The Skate 2 Trash Talkin' Throwdown: Round 1 - The Result

Well, I suppose it was inevitable that I'd end up having to announce myself as the winner for this first round. It's a shame really that so much had to be said and done before we reached this inevitable conclusion. Realistically speaking, this piece could have easily been written at the beginning of the week and saved Paperboy from such a thorough public humiliation. So, in summary and just in case there is any doubt:


If you wish to refresh your memory with my awesomeness, I suggest you scroll down for the embedded video. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all of you that voted for me and condemn those who had the chance to do so but remained silent. You know who you are. Dicks. Round 2 will be announced as soon as our gracious loser (non-winner) throws down a challenge and is so-called, not just because of it's chronological position. The 2 also means twice! Twice the radness! Twice the trash talking! And twice the amount of votes! Here's hoping...

The Faux Bot

A Dead Rising 2 trailer you say?

When I was told about this yesterday, I instantly cried 'bullshit!' and I continued with my day, blissfully ignorant. The key point is that yesterday, I had not seen the trailer and I easily dismissed it as either someone getting their wires crossed with the Wii version of Dead Rising, or one of those horrible fake movies that mock you for following the link to a clearly fake trailer. I've had a few of those before, they suck.

Now that I've seen it, dubious as it may seem being filmed off a home screen, I want to believe that it's real. If this is fake, you've have to applaud it's creators for being so convincing. As always, I'm being incredibly naive, but I find it hard to believe that someone would go this far just for Youtube hits. You be the judge.

There's enough here to get me excited, whether it's real or not. I just desperately hope that Dead Rising 2 is more than a mere case of 'new weapons, new location'. There was a tonne of missed potential in the first Dead Rising, even more so in retrospect as I feel that the medium has genuinely evolved since it's release. We gamers expect a lot more post Gears of War, Littlebigplanet, MGS4 and GTAIV, to name but a few. Here's hoping that Capcom made a wise choice with rookie developers Blue Castle and that they aren't afraid to try new ideas, regardless of their experience.

The Faux Bot

What do you think, real or fake? What ideas do you think should make it to the sequel? Use the comments kids, I opened them up just for you. If you knew the spam it gets me, you'd appreciate it more, I swear.

Friday, 6 February 2009

A Thank You/A Big Announcement

Sometimes, a little effort goes a long way, doesn't it? As much as I enjoy writing here and discussing games in general, my motivation will often be lost to long days at work, or a busy schedule (yeah, right....) The point I'm trying to make is that I am genuinely grateful to everyone for their participation with the Skate 2 feature and I sincerely hope that the support continues. We need your comments to actually make it work and I couldn't be more genuine when I ask you to spread the word to anyone else who may be interested. I would love to build a community here, maybe even get a proper website, complete with messageboards, forums, the lot. But it can't be done without a readership and the recent show of support, however minimal, has shown me that it can be achieved with a little effort.

Also, I would like to say a special thank you to Paperboy for his orchestration of the competition, his continuous enthusiasm and giving me the first fully-formed feature that this blog has seen.

Now I'm sure you've heard this sort of hyperbole from me before, right? And I'm guessing you're pretty cynical, right? You have every right to be, which is why I refuse to sit still. Now that the Skate 2 feature is assured some sort of lifespan, I have cunningly began to plot my own nefarious scheme and by that I mean another feature. February 20th is a very special day for many of my friends and associates. If you care, you will of course know that this is the day that the console version of Street Fighter 4 sees it's UK release. To celebrate this, I would like to officially announce the upcoming Split-Screen Street Fight 4 Tournament. More awesome title is pending.

Have you taken that in? I'm not kidding. Due to a lack of a venue and a PS3, this comp will be strictly limited to 360 players only, sorry Paperboy. But should you wish to compete, I offer you the use of my XBOX as all matches will be somewhat determined by my schedule anyway. My intention is to referee via XBOX Live's part system, allowing the combatants to duke it out whilst I oversee and officially record the results. If there is no sort of spectator system in the game, then we shall just have to make do. Most of the details will become clear when we've all had a little hands-on time with the game and I know my what my boundaries are, however, for now, here are the facts:

- If enough of you get on board, this WILL HAPPEN
- I will be overseeing the event as a sort of referee
- There will be a Street Fighter-related prize for the winner, which I will be buying and will gladly send out via post.

So there you have it. Get on board, get prepared and get suggesting. Please use the comments box to let me know if you are even mildly interested and if you have any more suggestions, be it related to the competition structure, promotion or that all important prize. C'mon, who doesn't want to try and win some Street Fighter swag?

Zangief is in, are you?

The Faux Bot

Wednesday, 4 February 2009

The Skate 2 Trash Talkin' Throwdown: Round 1 - Footplants

Alright, this one's for all you potential Chuck Norrises out there. Make like Dodgeball and get judging because after all the trash talkin' there's only one way to truly decide the victor. Post your comments, sign up if you haven't already and help us crown the king of the footplant.

Watch & Judge:


The Faux Bot:


Tuesday, 3 February 2009

The Skate 2 Trash Talkin' Throwdown: It's Awwwwn!

Ah, silly silly little faux-tot. Macho Man Randy Savage? You're not even Koko B. Ware

When I first threw down this little challenge to you, I never expected you to actually go through with it. I mean, look at you! Your trick-stick hand is horribly misshapen through years of porn abuse - abuse which you present as a badge of pride. You're like a puppy that has had their nose rubbed in their own shit, and is now bounding around the carpet nuzzling against the pristine white leather furniture.

What is more, your use of skating vernacular leaves a lot to be desired. I would never call my pearly whites my grill, and the only way you’ll be coming at me from all directions is as you stand in one spot and I pull off yet another perfect 360.

Let’s face it, your New Era cap-covered brain is overheating from all of the mental dexterity even your simple insults have generated. Meanwhile, the only heat my verbose and pithy repostes create is in the chests of well-endowed women. They do not call me the wordsmith extraordinaire for nothing! I’ve written for the Western Mail you know!

But very well, I will humour you and accept your challenge. I’m guessing you mean a footplant / beanplant – heavy video rather than a video depicting skater death. I cannot wait to see the faces of your former friends as they mock and chide you in the streets, as I drive by in my fancy new convertible bought from my winnings, cape blowing in the breeze, monocle protecting me from particularly watery eyes…


Now I consider myself to be a fairly casual individual, not one to often be associated with such trash-talk and related throwdowns. But you, sir, have shaken me. It is not so much the content of your verbal attack, but it's mere existence.

It is clear that you live in a land of pure fantasy, which is fitting given that you are indeed some sort of writer. I imagine that in your head you are quite 'the man' and the idea of you somehow besting me is in no way fantastical, but simply the truth. Maybe all that time you spend on 'Home' has dulled your sense of competition and you've become both soft and delusional. A sort of Frank Spencer type, a clueless powder-puff.

Have no fear, I will soon shake you back into consciousness with a display of awesome that is so awesome, that not even putting AWESOME in caps could do it justice. Do you know why they put footplants in Skate 2? It's because I figured out how do do them in the first game. Everyone petitioned for their inclusion in the sequel, just to take me down a peg. Despite the ease with which I can pull them off nowadays, I'll still take great pride in dropping one just to belittle you.

The Faux Bot

Sunday, 1 February 2009

Don't call it a comeback.

A shiny penny to whoever gets that reference.

Usually, I have some sort of excuse for my long absences between posts, but this time I swear to you I have a genuine reason. No Internet for over 2 weeks! Can you believe that? That means no porn, no free communication and no Left 4 Dead. Needless to say, it's good to be back. Once again, I come bearing a gift, this one being a fantastic competition! Hold onto your johnsons though, it's not the kind where you, the reader, gets to win stuff, but more the kind that is a display of prowess between to eager competitors.

Me and my Skate-kin Paperboy have finally bridged the console barrier and will embark upon a duel of skill, the likes of which have never before been witnessed on this humble blog. That's right, Paperboy, I'm throwing down, I'm bringing it from all directions and very much getting up in your grill. Until now, the lack of a unifying platform has prevented us from competing, but the brilliance of Skate is about to change all that.

Through Skate's Skate Reel feature, we will be competing to better each other in set challenges of skill and the art of talking trash. I, myself have been schooled by Macho Man Randy Savage and have absolutely no fears. I can throwdown with the best, talk 'em so hard that they bleed and they reconsider life. Ooh yeah, you better feel it. But seriously, I rule and will win.

So, Paperboy, think you've got what it takes to better my toe-tagging skills? That's right, I said toe-tagging. Me and you, we're gonna make ourselves a toe-tagging video, post it through Skate Reel and see who's the best. All we need now is for you guys (our mammoth readership) to post your responses to each video/photo and vote for which you think is the best. If you read this and don't have a Blogger/Google account then now is the time to get one because we need all the input we can get. Tell all your friends and please help us make this a feature. Dean, I'm pretty much directly talking to you because you know plenty of skater-types and people who play Skate. Get on it.

So now you know the rules, stay tuned for the competitors and some top-drawer trash-talkin'!

The Faux Bot


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