Sunday, 13 December 2009

God Of War 3 Demo Impressions (in the style of a 10-year-old)

God of War 3 is brutally violent to the extent that even know-it-all desensitised gits like myself find themselves chuffing at the screen after each instance of spectacular bloodletting. Platformer staples such as swinging ropes/chains are abandoned in favour of another opportunity to butcher something; Kratos jumping from beast-to-beast, ripping them in half when they've fulfilled their purpose. Rad.

It is the kind of game made to appeal to 10 to 13 year old boys and men who's mental age falls within the same bracket (i.e. me) so it's only fitting that I write the rest of this review in the style of my 10 year old self.

"Right, so there's the first bit and your jumping on the birds and you can see their boobs and you kinda fly on them but then you rip them in half!!!! Then you fight all these skeletons and you've got these chains which are all going like BRAAAKKKSHH WHHAARSHHH FRKRAAAASH and they're whipping all over and you can jump and smash and if you grab the baddies you can rip them in half again.


Then there's this bit where you fight this monster who's a snake a lion and like a goat and you cut all those bits off him and blood goes everywhere. There's a giant on fire and a man on fire in a flying horse and cart and he's throwing more fire at the giant. You help the giant by throwing fire at the man throwing fire and he dies. You go down to beat him up and all these baddies with shields show up and do that thing like the Romans so you've got to beat up this cyclops and ride him and make him smash the shields. The best bit is when you finish riding him and you get to kill him because you rip out his eye. You've got to tap the button cos it's like what ripping an eye out feels like and there's blood going everywhere and all the cables are going FRRRTCH PLTCCHHH and you hurt him so much that he dies. Then the man from the horse and cart is on the floor then and you grab him and rip his head right off and he's screaming ARRGGHHHHHHHHHHH when you do it and then you get to keep his head to find secrets.


After that you beat up more baddies and then there's a flying bit and that is harder than the rest. Then you go to beat up the fire giant but then that is the end of the demo and you don't get to beat him up but I think that when I get the proper game I will get to beat him up and hopefully pull all bits off him like the cyclops. Ripping the cyclops' eye out was the best bit."

4 comments:

cr0nt said...

GAME - selling 18 rated games to 10 year olds [mentally]... ;)

So the QTEs are still in then? Give that a miss tyvm.

*Spoiler - the guy on the cart is Aries no?*

The Faux Bot said...

Helios, apparently.

There are plenty of QTEs - it's the same as the first two in every aspect except shinyness. God of War 3 is easily the shiniest God of War yet.

This isn't to discredit it though mate, it's a shitload of fun and will no doubt deliver a decent blockbuster experience.

cr0nt said...

Maybe its just my hatred of QTEs... playing 2 and the PSP one is enough QTEs to never have to play any other game that contains them!

Maybe I could watch somebody else enjoy hacking and slashing (like I did with the two I played) and when it comes to a boss moaning like a whore because of the QTEs (again, like I did) ^_^

Not that I have or am getting a PS3, will have to come round your gaff to see it in action - or alternatively (the better option) just look on youtube after release. Why they can't just do what Shadow of the Colossus (which I think is the better game series) does I don't know.

Bojack85 said...

The first 2 being two of the best games i ever played i hope 3 lives upto the hype. Any news on the god of war collection. Is it out in the US?

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