Bioshock Blowout Day 1: Fan Art

Well, I had to find something to do whilst the Skate. demo downloaded, right? Here it is, the fruits of my labour. 10 points for getting the chip advert reference TV fans! More to come? Maybe, just maybe.........*

The Faux-Bot

(*Disclaimer: Not Likely)

BIOSHOCK BLOWOUT!!!!!1111ONEOMGLOLZ

Yes, with any luck, we here at Split-Screen will be celebrating the imminent release of Bioshock. I'll try to get some stuff together to celebrate this wondrous occasion, round up some lazy chuckle-heads and see what happens. For now, keep watching and I'll do my best to entertain you and pass the time with a whole week of underwater-art-deco-nightmarey-goodness.

The Faux-Bot

Another WEEK IS Also A LONG TIME IN VIDEOGAMES

Another slow Sunday, another top 5:

Babababaabababababdamamamamamammmmmmmramamamam, drums rolls etc.

1. Skate demo REALLY gets a release date. They announced it, delayed it and then vowed never to announce it again for fear of it going all tits-up a second time. But somehow, EA Blackbox have regained confidence in Microsoft, clearly announcing that the demo will be hitting the XBOXLive Marketplace this coming Tuesday. Also, the day of Bojack's birthday. If it is a spectacular demo, it may very well make me a full-time shut-in. In which case, I won't see him, so just incase - Happy Birthday you big hunk of 80's cop you. But I digress.....This makes me very happy.

2. Bioshock Demo. It is jaw-dropping. Outstanding. One of the most sophisticated and intriguing games I have ever played. If Royal Mail play nice, I should have the full version for review by next week. Say no more.

3. I inherit a DS. My wonderful girlfriend has kindly donated her baby Pink DS to yours truly. As she awaits her shiny ice blue imported DS Lite, I am currently wallowing in the pleasures of Mario Kart, WarioWare and Harvest Moon. Now, if I could just get my hands on a copy of Animal Crossing.....

4. I get that little bit closer to finishing Crackdown. I'm not exactly a sucker for 360 Achievements, but there are a few games which made the quest for them actually seem worthwhile. Along with Viva Pinata, Crackdown's achievements provided me with a massive amount of playtime, frustration and enjoyment. I am now a mere two achievements away from completion. After getting Ring Leader this week, I am now left with the task of finding the 4 remaining Hidden Orbs and doing that fucking ridiculous racing one where you have to get gold in every race, in every car. Bollocks to that.

5. Streets of Rage 2 coming to Live Arcade. YES! Thanks to a refreshingly enthusiastic sales guy at one of my local(ish) Gamestation stores, I was told that this was indeed happening. The Mega Drive classic, with the kid on the Rollerblades is on its way, pleasingly confirmed by this handy list: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Upcoming_games_for_Xbox_Live_Arcade
I never actually owned this game, instead choosing to pester friends for a go on theirs. So this, in a way, is a little bit like a dream come true for me. Make sure we get co-op you fuckers! Nah, I'm just joshing, I love you guys really........but seriously, co-op, right?


You guys have been great.



The Faux-Bot

GAMESEARCH VS. SHITTY D-PAD 2

I've been watching some amazing videos this morning, seriously jaw-dropping stuff. After reading, please, I beg of you, check out the work of Paul Robertson:

http://www.selectparks.net/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=442

http://probertson.livejournal.com/

http://visublog.mechafetus.com//

His animations have re-ignited my passion for all things Nippon, over-the-top Japanese explosion fests. The first thing that came into my head was the outstanding 130+ hit combos of Marvel Vs. Capcom 2 and specifically, the way that Iron Man, Akuma etc. used to fill the whole screen with laser blasts. Fucking incredible.

I've always been crap at Capcom fighters, just never had the dedication I suppose. But MvC2 changed all that. I actually took the time to work out my perfect team, unlocked everything and probably won at least a handful of vs. matches against the legendary Bojack. But, sadly, I cannot immediately jump back in, as I suffer from a chronically resetting Dreamcast. >_< So, what am I to do? GET THE XBOX VERSION! But wait, is it backwards compatible on 360? FUCK YEAH!!! But wait, does the 360 controller have a frustratingly shit d-pad? FUCK............NOOOOOOOO! As in, yes, it does.

Please tell me those new elite controllers have better d-pads. I need this in my life. The quest begins..........

The Faux-Bot

KRAZEE DAYS/LAZY NIGHTS: Stranglehold's guns, doves and weird dialogue.

I'm still waiting for the Skate. demo and now it's been even further delayed due to some cock-up with the video editor system and it metaphorically jizzing all over the servers. Anyway, God of Games threw me a bone on Wednesday in the form of John Woo's Stranglehold Demo. I've played through that one level about 10 times now, and yes, I'm very bored of it, but there is fuck all else to play. I've now got my combo up to 76 though, it might soon turn out to be shit when I ask other people who have played it, but for now, I'm surfing that wave of loser glory. *sigh*

Apart from the overwhelming amount of Max Payne-esque fun I've been having, one other thing in particular struck me about this game; what the hell are they saying?! The characters, that is. Well, ok so I can understand them, Chow-Yun-Fat just sounds a bit shit. However, one sequence in particular has been confusing me on every single playthrough. When you enter the second Standoff, Tequila asks "Who killed the cop?" To which generic Chinese, yet surprisingly English-fluent, Gangster replies "Go to Tia-o and ask in I an I. But be quick, there won't be any left after tomorrow." Bare in mind, I had to kinda piece that together.

Now, what the fuck is I an I, where is Tia-o and what won't there be many left of? This has confused me greatly, but after much deliberation, I have come to what I believe to be a fairly accurate translation. What the gangster is trying to say is that there is some sort of device/product that will help Tequila with his answers. Most likely, this item is one of those all-knowing magic 8-Balls. Tia-O is a huge shopping Mall and I an I is the Chinese equivalent of The Gadget Shop. They are having a sale on the magic 8-Balls and they will, most likely, all be sold out if Tequila doesn't shift his arse.

I hope this translation will provide all of you fellow confusees with a more satisfying Stranglehold experience.

The Faux-Bot

A Week Is A Long Time in Videogames

....So it would seem. I find it pretty hard to keep up with regular updates, so here is a nice little re-cap of MY week in videogames. In an original, witty and entertaining Top 5 format.

1. That whole Resident Evil 5 Racist thing.....
Quite easily my favourite, specifically because it blew over so quickly. Some loudmouth extreme lefty saw fit to criticise a medium that she had absolutely no understanding of. She accused the game of being racist for it's depiction of a white hero massacring hordes of Black savages. She mouthed off and hundreds signed up to the site where her blog was hosted just to take her down. Hilarious. 9/10 of the posts were smart too, many criticising her for doing more damage than good. Needless to say, she was quickly and effectively shut up to the point that comments were disabled, a victory for freedom of expression and common sense, not knee-jerk left wing activism. Her misguided statements reminded me of just how misunderstood Videogames are, I look forward to a time where the majority of people don't blindly assume that all games are aimed at children, despite an effective and clear classification system.

2. EA's Skate. Gets release date AND Demo
Thank the lord. I was going out of my biscuit tin over this one. I can no longer pretend that Tony Hawk's Project 8 is close to real skateboarding by putting it in Slo-Mo. My virtual clean lines are perfected on there and I get no reward, Skate is the game I have always been searching for. The Demo arrives on XBLA in about 9 days and I can get the full game for my 360 on Sept. 14th. Things are looking up. Check back for my upcoming Hype-Pipe for Skate after the Demo gets released.

3. Bioshock Special Edition
I'm a cynical bastard at times and as much as I love my 2-disc collector's edition DVD's, special-edition games have always put me off a little. Bioshock changed all that with it's embossed metal tin, soundtrack, special features DVD and 6 Inch Big Daddy figure. There's nothing more to be said, it's gonna be boss. Expect photos of me clutching the goodness around the end of this month.

4. GTA IV Delayed
As my man Bojack already pointed out, not exactly great news, but we must look at the positives, right? I mean, it will undoubtedly be better with more polish and it's not as if 360 owners won;t be swimming in quality games this Christmas anyway. Even the PS3 seems to have got it's arse in gear for a decent offering to the Baby Lord. So, in summary, no biggie, but still.........rats.

5. Ummm, I didn't really think this out, I've only really got 4 and I've got this kind of sicky taste in my mouth from these fucking foul mini Snack-A-Jacks. Maybe that's why they're better for you than crisps, cos you boff them when you finish. Ah, OK, Marathon Durandual, is that how you spell it? That made me sick too, into my hat, fucking bleeaarggghh. Digital Sick. *&^%$£"^*)(*^%&^$£

The Faux-Bot

Grand Theft Auto Delayed til Q2 2008

Alot of people today will be waking up to the news this morning that GTA IV will be delayed to Feb - Apr 2008. But i may be one of the few people to think that hey this is actually good news. After reading alot of previews of a near final build i was worried about what i heard, a struggling frame rate and worse enviromental pop-up than San Andreas. I dunno about those of you that are reading this but thats not what i want from a next gen experience of GTA. With a good holdiay line-up for the Xbox360, (Halo 3, The Orange Box, Blue Dragon, Mass Effect, Kane and Lynch, and the countless number of EA liscences), I'll have more than my fair share to keep me busy and my gamerscore addiction fed til GTA IV gets released. So have faith people and ask urself would you rather a half bakedGTA in October or a truley great next gen experience in early 2008? I think you all know the answer. And for all you Microsoft fanboys out there, say a prayer for Sony, they dont deserve having no games til Christmas.

Bojack 85