Friday, 21 March 2008


Is it just me, or is Sonic in every game that comes out now? In a 3-week period, he's managed to get his whorey old arse into the same amount of games: Smash Bros, Sega Superstars Tennis and Sonic Riders Zero Gravity. I think I speak for all gamers born before 1990 when I say "what the fuck?"

Is this what one of gaming's most enduring icons has now been reduced to? Nothing more than a shape and a name that can be whored out to the highest bidder. Sonic's metaphorical lady-tunnel has been used and abused, and nobody bothered to clean up their mess afterwards. He is nothing more than a disheveled wind sock, covered in the filthy paw prints and poison semen of lazy, greedy little games producers.

Sonic the Hedgehog on the 360 was insulting enough, but Sega's most recent behaviour is tant-amount to having Jesus guest star in an episode of MTV's Newlyweds; you know, the one where the two dangerous retards are allowed to get married and their helpers get them to try living together as some sort of cruel social experiment.

When you think about it, getting crucified was the best thing that could have happened to Jesus. He got to make his big comeback, which I gather would have been quite a shock, and he managed to avoid any Nick & Jessica related TV debacles. Sure, people do some terrible things in his name, but nobody ever shoehorned him into an abysmal, ill-conceived hover-board racer, did they?

I'm sure that having Sonic in Smash Bros. is great, and that Superstars Tennis is nowhere near as shameless as it seems. It does have Beat in it after all. Regardless though, I can't help wishing that they'd just leave him alone. He should take a leaf out of Jesus' book, and I don't mean the bible.

The Faux Bot

No comments: