Tuesday, 31 March 2009

iPhone games ranked in order of shitness

Yesterday morning, I finally caved and stumped up the £5.99 that would allow me to update the firmware for my iPod touch. It basically has all the same features as the iPhone and the update allows me to access the applications that have in no small part helped to make Apple's product become the ultimate lifestyle-changing fad accessory. Within minutes, frustration had already kicked in. They continually told me that my computer was not authorised for the downloaded games. I proceeded to shout at my monitor; "Why the fuck did you let me download them then!?" This went on for a few minutes, until I figured out how to get around it. I then proceeded to 'download like a motherfucker'. I pretty much swiped every free game and trail version that didn't look shit, and some that did. So, just for you, here are my top games from that download binge, ranked in order of shitness.

Shittest first:

Bike or Die LE

I've already played this game before, under some other name and the chances are that you have too. It's the one with the bendy bike that kind of flops around everywhere. It was great fun with a keyboard and went a long way to helping me fail my computing A-Level. Playing it on an iPod however, is an exercise in frustration. The music is some kind of shit-awful euro-house that sounds like it could be used for psychological warfare. Nothing about this is good. It looks like vomit, sounds like shit and made me want to remove the part of my brain responsible for making me download it. In short, a fucking catastrophe.

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed

Question: How do make a relatively shit, but ultimately fun game so soul-destroyingly awful that you want to kill your parents for bringing you into the world and allowing you to witness such inhumanity? Answer: Shrink it down for the iPhone..... The Force Unleashed doesn't score too badly in the gameplay stakes, but is crucially let down be the fact that it is so poorly presented. The home console version was let down in part by it's fuck awful storyline and being another in a long line of products to sully the once good name of the Star Wars licence. What the iPhone version should have done was cut all that bollocks out and just give me some nice touchscreen force power fun. What it decided to do instead was force me to sit through the same shit cut scenes but now with text, 8-bit sound and sub-par PS2 graphics. Yet another title that made me consider mass homicide.


To be fair, Scribattle isn't all that bad. It's nicely presented and it's notepad graphics give it an air of distinctive charm. Yet, whenever I play it I feel as though my soul is seeping out of me, bit by bit. I can't explain why, maybe I just feel like my time should be spent in a more productive way, like clubbing seals or something.

Crazy Snowboard

The word 'crazy' is used far too often for my liking in this one. It refers to it's 'characters' as radical dudes and the gameplay is all kinds of shit. What the fuck is this? The 90's? It's like someone took a dump on Coolboarders. Jesus Christ.


Not so much a game, but a program that stores a bunch of Mr. T quotes that can be chosen specifically or put on a random, touch-prompted loop. In short, fucking genius.


Rolando is a 'high end' iPhone game. It's pretty clear from the off that Apple wishes all of it's games could be this quality. The graphics, presentation and sound all have the hallmarks of a top drawer PSP title and therein lies the problem. Rolando, in every sense is a straight rip-off of Loco Roco, only without any of the original charm and character. Imitation is surely the most sincere from 0f flattery, but this borders on plagiarism.


The only game on this list that I am genuinely considering paying for. Sway has you playing as one of a decent selection of bendy armed cutie pies, specifically a monkey and a lizard in the trail. It has a monkey which is a great startbut what makes it even better is how it plays. Each thumb controls one of you character's arms and sees you swinging from floating panels, collecting stars, freeing friends and generally, trying to survive without plummeting to your doom. The controls are fantastic, allowing you to grab mid drop with ease and swing back and forth for momentum, resulting in some genuinely skillful displays after a few minutes of play and some showstopping maneuvers after a few hours. Simple, effective and lovely to look at, more like this will make it the viable platform that Apple so fervently desire.

Get downloading.

The Faux Bot

1 comment:

Markey said...

Cracking and truthful article mate, still yet to find a gripping game for the iphone. Downloaded Sim City gave up after 30 mins when my power station decided to randomly blow up.
Wolfenstein 3D was good until I pushed a wall in the wrong place and am now suck and can't reload, bloody bollocks!
Never played the force unleased as got borded of the talking bits on the lite version.