Wednesday, 19 December 2007

Barry Burton Speaks...

We here at Split-Screen, being a well-respected videogames blog, are often privy to special insights and behind-the-scenes info. For years we have formed relationships with some of the industry's key figures. Shigeru Miyamoto, for instance, decided that we should sign off our articles by putting our usernames in italics. True story. But today, I am proud to present you with the intimate thoughts of the one and only Barry Burton. Many of you will remember Barry as the guy with a beard from Resident Evil, but I ask you, forget his traitorous ways, for he was lead astray, and please accept him as he tries to break into the world of blogging. Over to you Barry.

Let me say this first and foremost, I wish to make it clear that it was all Wesker's fault, I was a mere pawn.
On with business. For years I have longed for the opportunity to speak my mind and shed light upon what it means to be a secondary character in a computer game. Even though I remain a fan favourite, those fuckers at Capcom refuse to put me in another Resident Evil game. I have wandered for years, as a confused shell of a man. I used to find myself signing autographs for kids, having girls ask to look at my Colt Python, I thought that the high would never end, I was convinced that I might even get my own spin-off game. But the years continue to pass, and the phone never rings. Why Capcom? What did I do that was so wrong? I delivered each and every line with fluidity and poise, I had a beard and a cool gun, but those were never enough for you.

You gave two games to Leon and Jill. Chris gets his second next year. I don't even get an invite.
I now spend my days thinking up new and interesting ways that I could be included in upcoming games. For example; Assassin's Creed - I could be one of the guys with a beard. I don't mind getting killed even. Mass Effect - I could be this really badass bounty hunter who you meet on your travels. I stand out because of my beard and archaic but reliable Colt Python. Obviously, I never made it into either of those games, but there are some guys with beards, and I think the game designers may be making slight nods to me. Thanks for that guys, but try not to use my likeness without paying royalties in the future, ok? I'm flattered, but business is business.

But, I digress. It is not my intention to use this post as some sort of desperate cry for help, or to even fill you in on the details of the downward turn that my life has taken since everybody completed Resident Evil. Secondary characters deserve more love and respect, and it is my passion, nay, my calling, to seek out those rewards. From here on in, I will be a guest writer for Split-Screen and in the next couple of days, I will present to you my top 5 secondary characters, in the hope that the many pig-headed, fame-obsessed developers out there (Capcom) will see that just because you spend all your time with one good looking, floppy haired heroic protagonist, doesn't mean that he is necessarily the best.

More soon.

All my love.

Barry. x x x x

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